This is shit...

Sigh. Still no baby, and the stress is mounting in a big way. I've been venting about it on forums so all my vent is out and I can't be arsed to rehash it here, but this is starting to be very very frustrating. Mostly because of worrying about pressure to induce/intervene/go to effing hospital.

I sobbed my heart out this morning just worrying about what's going to happen if things don't get started soon. This is shit, so shit, because if I could be confident that I had a midwife who supported natural birth and believed in letting the body do its thing in all but really dangerous situations, I could relax and enjoy these last days and just enjoy nurturing my baby inside me. But because of the way the NHS works, I haven't got a clue if I will get any support, the likelihood is they will all be covering their arses by trying to get me into hospital/induced, and I have no choice (or continuity) whatsoever in who provides my care. This is crap.

And I have heartburn from the massive curry I ate last night in an attempt to get things going. Meh.

Oh well, here's a picture of me pulling the usual weird face, and baby belly on a walk along Woodhouse Ridge the other day. At least I can taker a few more pregnant photos in an attempt to get just one where I don't look completely bizarre and weird faced. Although it would probably take another 9 months to do that.

Eating tasty food keeps us distracted...

Still no baby. Sigh. But I have been keeping busy and trying not to dwell on it (actually, sometimes it worries me how normal I feel. I'm on the brink of the most momentous and life changing event I'm ever likely to experience, and yet I just potter around all day and watch crappy telly. Weird). So instead of moaning, I am going to show what I've been eating (and photgraphing! I can't believe I've actually become one of those people who takes photos of their food!).

Firstly, way back on Saturday night I decided to make a cheesy spinach lasagne, which I haven't made in ages but remembered being hella tasty. Here it is being appreciated by the boy I accidentally managed to convert away from veganism onto the dark path of dairy...

It didn't look as good as it should because the only dish I had was too large for the quantities I made, but it tasted damn good. It's really easy as well, just normal cheesy bechamel sauce layered with lasgne sheets and spinach sauteed with garlic and onion (I added a bit of courgette as well because it was going mouldy in my fridge), plus some pine nuts and nutmeg for good measure. Yum. And it tasted even better for lunch on Sunday (weird how that happens...)

And for dessert, a very vegan chocolate mousse. This is the silken tofu blended with melted dark chocolate formula that I had long been eyeing sceptically in vegan cookbooks. It was far far more delicious than I could ever have expected, and the texture was just perfect! Really moussey and firm, and not at all reminiscent of tofu. I also added a teensy bit of bourbon for flavour (ssshhhhhh, it was just a tiny bit!), plus some summer fruits on top so it looked rather pro. Very simple-just drain the tofu as well as you can, blend it till smooth, melt a couple of bars of nice dark chocolate, add a little golden syrup, then chuck them in with the tofu and blend till it's all well combined. Put into bowls for individual servings then chill til it's firm. No one would guess there's tofu in this, and it seems a lot easier than preparing chocolate mousse int he traditional way (which I've never done but remember my mum fussing over for hours before dinner parties).

Sunday was another scrummy (but unphotographed) dinner-a massive stirfry of cabbage, courgette, green pepper, marinated tofu and quorn and egg noodles, with loads of sweet chilli sauce, of course, followed by probably the best crumble I have ever made, thanks to the kilo of rhubarb for £1 that they were selling in the shop at the Urban Farm a few minutes walk from out house (stopped by there on my way back from the recycling centre and gawped at the cute animals for a while.)

And today, despite eating alone for every meal except breakfast because he's out earning pennies, I have been rather good to myself. For lunch, this:

Sauteed kale made with this recipe-, plus lightly fried strips of oh so tasty basil tofu. I bought some kale the other day because it's supposed to be very high in iron, and I am rather low in iron according to my blood tests. So I coooked half the bag up in a similar manner to spinach, added a bit of garlic and a squeeze of lemon, and eugh, it tasted like shit. Well, not shit, just like leaves. Far too leafy and 'green' for my tastes (although that is obviously the point!). But I still had half a bag knocking around, so I googled kale recipes and this came up. Had all the ingredients and it sounded good, and would ya know it, it actually was! I went a tad overboard on the vinegar, but really enjoyed the kick from the chilli and onion, and didn't have to choke it down at all. (And felt healthy and good). I added sesame seeds, cos sesame seeds make everything better.

And for dinner, a plate full of what may well be my three favourite foods:

Oven roasted British asparagus with olive oil and black pepper, roast potatoes with a touch of garlic, and some oh so delicious Scottish smoked salmon with a squeeze of lemon (and of course black pepper). Oh, how I love all of these foods. British asparagus is amazing, but it's season is so short and it's pricey as hell. I can't believe I actually caved and went to Marks and Spencers (insanely pricey for food) to get this. It just kind of happened whilst I was in town (I was only in town to buy borax and walk around in the hope of getting baby moving). And then I just sort of accidentally picked up the very expensive but very very good smoked salmon, and now I am considerably poorer but rather content.

I will stop eating fishes once baby gets out. It makes me feel bad. But it tastes so good.

(The potatoes are rather overdone, but I actually like them that way. They weren't as good as they could have been because I used sunflower oil instead of olive as cost cutting measure. Made them taste a bit too much like chips. But I suppose I like chips.)

Tasty tasty food, gives me something to focus my energy on and a way to feel like I'm taking care of myself. And stops me from running around madly shouting at the baby to get out of my belly. Not that I'd do that, of course...

Oh yeah, yesterday I also broke a table by sitting on it. It cracked in half. It made me feel sad and very very pregnant.
Today I feel a little better. Actually I'm really quite cheerful. I made banana bread with pear and apple in it. Now I will go and eat it.
I'm going a bit delerious actually. Mwahaha.

Eeeeugh...

Wow, I'm in a state today. Just little things really, but they all pile up and then I become a crazy lady with super high blood pressure who screams and throws things and then feels shitty. My phone decided to stop working this morning, just wouldn't turn on, and I just about lost it. Actually, no just about about it, I utterly lost it, screamed a lot and threw it at the wall. Several times. Damn, I may have put baby off making an appearance, she won't want to meet her scary mama now... Anyway, it sounds like a little thing, but I don't have a landline, and being 40 weeks pregnant without any way of getting in touch with anyone other than going and finding them is a little unfortunate. But it's all sorted now, and I have a new one, and it's all good...but I could have done without the stress this morning. My blood pressure at my midwife's appointment was sky high, I had to lie down to get it anywhere near normal to stop them getting worried, and I still feel a leetle tense.

Anyway, the last 2 days have been nice, although I'm very very prone to emotional breakdowns at the moment. Mark had a couple of days off, and we did fun stuff, because we haven't had much of a chance at 'couple time', and there aint much longer left (I hope...feels like it could be forever at the moment!). Tuesday we went to York. York is so nice, and it was just good to be out of Leeds. We spent lots of money that we don't have on nice things that we don't really need, and frolicked in the pretty streets. And I bought lovely lovely yarn.

Mark looking shifty in pretty street.

We bought very very very tasty fudge. Oh my goodness it is good.

Took cheesy photos of ourselves.

And ate a very tasty meal in a very very cool bar/restaurant place with yummy asian food and many, many cocktails and non-alcoholic delights. This was my reward for finishing my essay, and maybe our last meal out without baby... although I doubt it to be honest cos she's never gonna come.

And that was our very good day out. Very good. Then we had another nice day yesterday, went swimming which was fun (although I kept wondering if I'd notice if my waters broke in the pool...), and generally enjoyed ourselves. Now come and join the fun little one.... Please?

Come on baby...

I am attempting to finish my essay, but my mind is quite firmly elsewhere. It is hard to concentrate on writing a detailed analysis of the relation between space and character in Pasolini's Ragazzi di vita (particualarly a detailed analysis in Italian, which requires me to look up every other word in the dictionary becuase the last 5 months have done absolutely bugger all for my italian language skills), when all I want to do is scrub the floor and have a baby on it. I've come to the library to work on it, becuase there aren't so many distractions here, like telly, and cute baby clothes to be folded and put away in meticulous order for the fifteenth time and adorable newborn sized cloth nappies to be admired, and floors to be scrubbed. But there is still the internet. And the internet steals my brain, dontcha know, because it is full of things related to babies, and that is what my brain wants. Not 20th century Italian literature.

I can't believe I put this off until a week before my due date. I really am a fool. What have I been doing for the last 5 months? Well, obviously pregnancy hasn't completely changed my character. I will always be a procrastinator, particularly when it comes to academia. I know what an amazing relief it will be when this is finshed off and handed in. I know that I can't really prepare myself properly for labour with it still hanging over me. But I also know that my mind does not wish to co-operate with this. I want to have a baby and start being a mama and just get on with it. But I think there's going to be quite a wait ahead. My official due date is a week tomorrow, but I know that she's gonna be way later than that (based on ultrasounds, my own knowledge of 'events', and just general intuition that I may have a stubborn baby who will put me through the wringer fighting for a homebirth once I go over). In one way this is good, as it gives me time to get things done (ie, this damn essay, and the scrubbing of the floors). But in most other ways it is a big fat pain in the arse, cos I want my baby damnit! And I really don't want to fight against induction or end up with a hospital birth for what is almost certainly a baby 10 days younger than the 'official' dates.

If I at least get this finished then I can concentrate on making the baby come (haha, I know it's not that easy, but nipple tweaking and vast amounts of sex are being witheld from me until after essays are handed in, so I'd quite like to get this show on the road...)

Catch up...

Well, I really thought being able to illustrate my posts would inspire me to blog more, but seemingly not. I have had lots of blog worthy happenings over the last couple of weeks, but no motivation to post about them whatsoever. So, here's some rushed catch up and pictures:

Firstly, my 'not a baby shower baby related gathering', which took place at my house last Saturday. Baby showers aren't common practice here, but I wanted to have some sort of pre baby gathering of girly friends, to eat yummy food and talk about babies and sort of celebrate the little life to be in a not too cheesy way. Especially since I am by far the first of my close friends to reproduce, so they are all very excited about it, and it has huge novelty value, which I don't think would be the case if I were in my late twenties/thirties and married! It was exactly what I wanted really, lovely girlieness, some really thoughtful presents, and lots of yummy food (mostly made by me over the preceeding three days, in a notasstressedasIusuallyamwhenpreparinglargeamountsoffood kind of state, although I did have a last minute big stress when I sent Kirsty and Hayley out to buy me chocolate. I am such a mardy crazy pregnant lady recently).
A few pics:
The spread. Let's see if I can remember what there was. Hmmm.....spinach and orzo salad, bulgar salad with roast veg and soy vinagrette, lemon and mint cous cous, walnut falafel, pine nut scones with pesto and roast veg topping, tapenade puff pastry swirls, puff pastry and roast veg squares, sos-rolls, guacamole, hummus (3 types-'plain', sundried tomato and roast pepper and avocado and lime), foccacia, baked tortillas, red onion and thyme tofu tart, zesty white bean pate, spicy red bean pate, baba ganoush style aubergine dip, sun dried tomato tapenade, sweet potato fries, paprika potato wedges and garlic bread. Think that's it (some isn't shown here). All made from scratch by me, all totally vegan. Bloody hell, I am mad aren't I?


Me enjoying the spread...


Lots of ladies squeezed into our little living room (it was exclusively female, not deliberately but that's how it happened. It scared me a little to be honest)



Happy ladies eating!


Happy Hayley and me!


It was a lovely evening, though I was totally knackered by the end. But I'm so glad I actually got round to doing it, would have been a shame not to do summat special. And my lovely friends did the washing up for me! Hooray!

Next day, we were intending to go for a daytrip to Hebden Bridge, but slept far too long for it to be worthwhile. So we pottered around instead, and repainted the damp damaged corner of the kitchen.

Gotta love the sexy mask. Was good to get it done, the flaky paint has been pissing me off since we moved in. We are a good decorating team, me and 'im.


It was a particularly good day of pottering, we pottered to the park to drop off the compost, then back via the fair that was just down the road all last week. I love fairs. I love fairground rides, although I scream myself silly on them. It was quite a torment, seeing the waltzers (my very favourite) and all the garish noisy so so fun looking rides. But Mark won a stuffed dog toy for the baby (well, me. And himself) on the basketball game, which was nice. Then we gorged ourselves on the left overs from the night before. With sweet chilli sauce.
Bless him.


Tomorrow, I will post about our project from the weekend just gone, the amazing bedroom redecoration of joy. Oooh it's good.

Now, I will go and make myself some tasty food and drink raspberry leaf tea and ask the baby to come soon, please, because I'm getting impatient and achey. Although I still have one essay to write. Shiiiit.