Oh lordy me, this blogging thing has somewhat fallen by the wayside again. Well, it was to be expected really as I don't exactly have much in the way of free time at the moment. Especially this week, and yet here I am writing a post....
Life is pretty good really, rather stressful but that's better than boring. I have a lot of uni work to do this week because (drum roll) one week tomorrow we are heading off to Australia! Hell yeah, Christmas on the beach, sunning ourselves in Sydney instead of watching the rain fall and freezing our tits off in Leeds. I am so excited. Ridiculously so. Yet also a little nervous and stressed, because a) it's taking almost 4 weeks out of my time to get work/dissertation especially done, and I probably could have done with those 4 weeks, b) oh god that means everything has to be finished before this Sunday if I want to avoid writing thousands of words with severe jetlag and sleep deprivation when we get back, c) shit, I really want to come back to a clean house for the new Year, so I'd better get that done this week as well, and d) 24 hours flying with a 6 month old. And baby jetlag. And baby acclimatisation to hot weather. And did I mention the 24 hours on a plane with a 6 month old? Plus layovers. Plus a train trip to London just to catch the flight.
So I'm a bit stressed to be honest, although the tantalising lure of sunshine in December is more than enough to get me over the stress. It will be a busy week though. I still haven't started my dissertation. Damn.
And, probably inevitably, the fact that I really need to devote all of my 'spare time' to academic pursuits these days has left me desperately craving to create, to craft, to knit and bake and (whisper) home make. And with no time to do any of those things. I have so many ideas but no chance to carry them out. I think mothering does definitely bring out creativity (well-there's a small person to make small clothes for, so of course it does), so it's frustrating not to be able to express it. Damn it, I can't win, I know that if I'd decided not to go back to uni and to fill my days with crafts and cooking and 'motherly' things I'd be chomping at the bit now and probably even more frustrated, but I just desperately want to make pretty things, and I can't.
Cara is great, but I think she's teething because she is crabbier than usual. She is fantastic though, and so worth any and all stress she causes. And to be honest, she doesn't cause that much stress. I love being a mum. I really didn't think I'd be able to say that. I knew I would love her, but to be honest the whole motherhood business was kind of scary. But I love it. I know I have been extraordinarily lucky in a lot of ways, and that has obviously helped. Cos I just never thought it would be this much fun, and come so naturally to a girl who hated dolls as a child and hadn't held a baby till a month before she got knocked up....
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
This whole studying and mothering thing...
...it's really, really hard. I am drowning in work. The work I'm getting done is beyond shoddy in its standard. I cannot string together an intelligent sentence in english, much less italian. My dissertation proposal was shamefully poor and I just can't even start actually working on it.
Final year is so much harder than all the others. First and second I could have managed fairly easily even with baby-I was out almost every night getting pissed, skipped most of my lectures, and still got a 2:1/first for everything. But this is very very different. It is so hard. So so hard. The 2 days that Mark has off work to take care of Cara really aren't enough, especially since I just physically can't spend every waking moment studying even on those days. And because he has those days off he has to work weekends, or else we'd starve, so I get no work done on weekends either.
There is so much work.
So much.
And today I had my IUD fitted, and then I felt awful (I am such a big wuss. Yeah I had a drug free childbirth but thats different! You're made to do that, but this is wholly unnatural). Spent the day curled up on the sofa knitting (with occasional tearful arguing-not sure where that came from). So that's one half of my non baby days wasted for the week. Fantastic.
Ah, but she's lovely.
Final year is so much harder than all the others. First and second I could have managed fairly easily even with baby-I was out almost every night getting pissed, skipped most of my lectures, and still got a 2:1/first for everything. But this is very very different. It is so hard. So so hard. The 2 days that Mark has off work to take care of Cara really aren't enough, especially since I just physically can't spend every waking moment studying even on those days. And because he has those days off he has to work weekends, or else we'd starve, so I get no work done on weekends either.
There is so much work.
So much.
And today I had my IUD fitted, and then I felt awful (I am such a big wuss. Yeah I had a drug free childbirth but thats different! You're made to do that, but this is wholly unnatural). Spent the day curled up on the sofa knitting (with occasional tearful arguing-not sure where that came from). So that's one half of my non baby days wasted for the week. Fantastic.
Ah, but she's lovely.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Books books books
I've been on a bit of an Amazon binge lately. For some reason I was overcome bythe urge to not only read lots of new books, but also own them and keep them on bookshelves for future reference, and thankfully also discovered that you can get some damn good deals from Amazon sellers (dont really understand how that works-books in brand new condition that retail for over a tenner in store sold for under a pound?? Well, I'm not complaining.
Predictably enough, almost everything I've read has been related to parenting. I've attempted to read other things in preparation for my very daunting very soon return to university, but it's the parenting books that hold my attention and don't let me put them down. Funnily enough, although I read voraciously on everything concerning pregnancy and birth, I neglected to read much concerning what comes next. This was partly deliberate, actually, as I did and still do baulk at the idea of raising children 'by the book', but I have now found that books about child rearing can be fascinating and not merely prescriptive. Our only 'manual' is Sears' Baby Book, which was very useful in the first few weeks when I got the 'don't know what I'm doing' panics, and now generally only comes out when I get paranoid about something medical (err, like the time we noticed that she had a throbbing soft spot in the middle of her head and started panicking......hehe. Still freaks me out, mind). But now we're pretty sure of what we're doing day to day I've started to want to read more and more, particularly about ideas that I've seen mentioned extensively in online communities, but originally dismissed as a bit out there.
Attachment Parenting by Katie Granju was a quick read that really just backed up most of what we've been doing instinctively. Although I appreciated the extensive research that was cited in it, I did think that it was perhaps a little dogmatic and even unkind, especially when it came to formula use (although the facts and scientific evidence about problems with formula must be put out there for all to consider, I think it can and should be done in a kinder way). I did enjoy the book, but I think if I hadn't already been doing most of what it suggests, I would perhaps have been put off the whole concept. Although I've just read the Amazon reviews, and maybe I'm way off the mark with that... Hmmm, anyway, the general concept is very good, and I do love a book with nice clear citation that points a reader to numerous other sources to back up a point. Wow, the academic in me is still alive after all!
Jean Liedloff's The Continuum Concept was far more gripping and challenging. I'd previously heard about this book only on a fairly hardcore AP message board in the context of discussions about babies being present when you're having sex and the like, and I'd kind of resolved not to agree with it. Actually, I'd resolved not to read it, because it's so much easier not to agree with something when you haven't even read it (oh, bad bad bad me for admitting that!). But when I saw it mentioned very favourably in a much more mainstream book (Imperfectly Natural Baby and Toddler by Janey Lee Grace, my 'fluffy' purchase with lots of links to places to buy ridiculously cute organic baby clothes, aaagh!), I decided to give it a go. And it was fantastic, thought provoking and inspiring. But infuriating at the same time, mostly because of how much it made sense, but how very far away we are from achieving a society that comes anywhere near the ideals laid out in the book. It's a damning indictement not just of modern day parenting, but of society in general. Sometimes I felt she leapt to conclusions somewhat, but to be honest they were common sense, and it's a return to instinct (innate common sense, perhaps?) that she is advocating. I hope I'll manage to use what this book taught me in my own child rearing, although it is damn difficult when living in this 'non continuum' society.
Today Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn arrived, and I'm already gripped. I know that this will really challenge me, and I hope that I will find it convincing. Because although in theory I would love to be a paragon of unconditional, patient, nurturing parenting, I know that in reality I can be very quick to snap, and have a profound fear of what others think of me-something I really don't want to pass on to Cara. But that flaw also means I'm terified of raising a 'brat'. I know we've still got a way to go before discipline becomes an issue, but I want to get my head sorted on this one in advance. So lets hope this helps.
I love having new books on my bookshelf. I want more. I want all my Amazon wishlist and more. Of course, from Monday, I wont have time to read for fun. Or craft, or cook, or watch TV, or sleep..... Well, I dunno, maybe it won't be that hard, but wow I'm scared about going back to uni. Final year, same workload as all my peers but with the added responsibility of A WHOLE HUMAN BEING, whilst everyone else drinks heavily and then complains about not having done their work....Yeah, I'm worried.
Predictably enough, almost everything I've read has been related to parenting. I've attempted to read other things in preparation for my very daunting very soon return to university, but it's the parenting books that hold my attention and don't let me put them down. Funnily enough, although I read voraciously on everything concerning pregnancy and birth, I neglected to read much concerning what comes next. This was partly deliberate, actually, as I did and still do baulk at the idea of raising children 'by the book', but I have now found that books about child rearing can be fascinating and not merely prescriptive. Our only 'manual' is Sears' Baby Book, which was very useful in the first few weeks when I got the 'don't know what I'm doing' panics, and now generally only comes out when I get paranoid about something medical (err, like the time we noticed that she had a throbbing soft spot in the middle of her head and started panicking......hehe. Still freaks me out, mind). But now we're pretty sure of what we're doing day to day I've started to want to read more and more, particularly about ideas that I've seen mentioned extensively in online communities, but originally dismissed as a bit out there.
Attachment Parenting by Katie Granju was a quick read that really just backed up most of what we've been doing instinctively. Although I appreciated the extensive research that was cited in it, I did think that it was perhaps a little dogmatic and even unkind, especially when it came to formula use (although the facts and scientific evidence about problems with formula must be put out there for all to consider, I think it can and should be done in a kinder way). I did enjoy the book, but I think if I hadn't already been doing most of what it suggests, I would perhaps have been put off the whole concept. Although I've just read the Amazon reviews, and maybe I'm way off the mark with that... Hmmm, anyway, the general concept is very good, and I do love a book with nice clear citation that points a reader to numerous other sources to back up a point. Wow, the academic in me is still alive after all!
Jean Liedloff's The Continuum Concept was far more gripping and challenging. I'd previously heard about this book only on a fairly hardcore AP message board in the context of discussions about babies being present when you're having sex and the like, and I'd kind of resolved not to agree with it. Actually, I'd resolved not to read it, because it's so much easier not to agree with something when you haven't even read it (oh, bad bad bad me for admitting that!). But when I saw it mentioned very favourably in a much more mainstream book (Imperfectly Natural Baby and Toddler by Janey Lee Grace, my 'fluffy' purchase with lots of links to places to buy ridiculously cute organic baby clothes, aaagh!), I decided to give it a go. And it was fantastic, thought provoking and inspiring. But infuriating at the same time, mostly because of how much it made sense, but how very far away we are from achieving a society that comes anywhere near the ideals laid out in the book. It's a damning indictement not just of modern day parenting, but of society in general. Sometimes I felt she leapt to conclusions somewhat, but to be honest they were common sense, and it's a return to instinct (innate common sense, perhaps?) that she is advocating. I hope I'll manage to use what this book taught me in my own child rearing, although it is damn difficult when living in this 'non continuum' society.
Today Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn arrived, and I'm already gripped. I know that this will really challenge me, and I hope that I will find it convincing. Because although in theory I would love to be a paragon of unconditional, patient, nurturing parenting, I know that in reality I can be very quick to snap, and have a profound fear of what others think of me-something I really don't want to pass on to Cara. But that flaw also means I'm terified of raising a 'brat'. I know we've still got a way to go before discipline becomes an issue, but I want to get my head sorted on this one in advance. So lets hope this helps.
I love having new books on my bookshelf. I want more. I want all my Amazon wishlist and more. Of course, from Monday, I wont have time to read for fun. Or craft, or cook, or watch TV, or sleep..... Well, I dunno, maybe it won't be that hard, but wow I'm scared about going back to uni. Final year, same workload as all my peers but with the added responsibility of A WHOLE HUMAN BEING, whilst everyone else drinks heavily and then complains about not having done their work....Yeah, I'm worried.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Judgement..
...is hard to avoid, when it comes to parenting. No matter how liberal, politically correct and pro-choice you are, when tiny, vulnerable little people are involved, it's hard not to feel outraged, or at least disapproving, of a lot of the things that you see.
I have to admit, I get upset and pissed off by a lot of the things I see every day here. Not that I expect everyone to be some sort of weirdo attachment parenting hippy (like some people might think I am...). But since becoming a mum myself, I've become a lot more sensitive to the fact that at least 75% of mums pushing buggies around town do so with a fag in one hand, that heavily pregnant women smoking are something I see pretty much every time I go out, that the majority of people in McDonalds during a weekday are mums with young kids, feeding 1 year olds Big Macs, that it's exteremely rare to see a mother even bottle nursing her baby-no matter how young, bottles are almost always propped up in the pram-and as for breastfeeding, well, I've never seen a single woman in this city do it, and when Mark mentioned the fact that I'm breastfeeding to the women he works with (almost all with their own kids), it was met with wrinkled up noses and a resounding 'eww, thats not for me...' I try to keep telling myself that everyone has a reason for the things they do, that maybe smoking is the only release they get in a stressful, difficult day, that maybe people did want to breastfeed and couldn't, that maybe the McDonalds is just a one off treat...but what really gets to me is that it's just the norm. In this area, or at least the more deprived parts of it (where I happen to live) most people with babies smoke, most women drink and smoke during pregnancy, most women never even attempt to breastfeed.... And I, judgementally, think it's pretty sad. Because I just can't find it in me to see how someone can smoke, when they must know it's endangering their unborn, or born, child. Because, honestly, it blows my mind that so, so many women can choose not to feed their baby what they must know is nutritionally far superior to anything else available (although I didn't realise until recently that people do still actually believe that formula is just as good, so that shows what I know). Because, to me, the idea of feeding a BigMac to a baby sends shivers down my spine.
But then I think how easy it would be for others to judge me-for having a baby without being financially stable, with a man I didn't know at all well when I got knocked up, for taking said baby to festivals and squats, for the glass of wine I had last night (and didn't finish, and managed to knock on the floor whilst writing this-it splashed all over her Moses Basket stand-how's that for terrible parenting), for having silly hair.... And it makes me paranoid, and confused, and very unsure. It's a fucking minefield, this whole parenting thing. Because the lines between every woman's right to choose what to do with their body, and their right to choose how they raise their children, and the rights of children to the best possible shot at good health seem pretty blurred. I know that the best thing to do is just worry about my baby, and assume that everyone else has a very good reason for the things they do-but it's easier said than done, to be honest. Still, if I'm going to keep my sanity and make friends with other mums around here, I'm going to have to learn to save my 'righteous anger' not for people who make different choices to me, but for a society that makes things fucking difficult for women all round.
I have to admit, I get upset and pissed off by a lot of the things I see every day here. Not that I expect everyone to be some sort of weirdo attachment parenting hippy (like some people might think I am...). But since becoming a mum myself, I've become a lot more sensitive to the fact that at least 75% of mums pushing buggies around town do so with a fag in one hand, that heavily pregnant women smoking are something I see pretty much every time I go out, that the majority of people in McDonalds during a weekday are mums with young kids, feeding 1 year olds Big Macs, that it's exteremely rare to see a mother even bottle nursing her baby-no matter how young, bottles are almost always propped up in the pram-and as for breastfeeding, well, I've never seen a single woman in this city do it, and when Mark mentioned the fact that I'm breastfeeding to the women he works with (almost all with their own kids), it was met with wrinkled up noses and a resounding 'eww, thats not for me...' I try to keep telling myself that everyone has a reason for the things they do, that maybe smoking is the only release they get in a stressful, difficult day, that maybe people did want to breastfeed and couldn't, that maybe the McDonalds is just a one off treat...but what really gets to me is that it's just the norm. In this area, or at least the more deprived parts of it (where I happen to live) most people with babies smoke, most women drink and smoke during pregnancy, most women never even attempt to breastfeed.... And I, judgementally, think it's pretty sad. Because I just can't find it in me to see how someone can smoke, when they must know it's endangering their unborn, or born, child. Because, honestly, it blows my mind that so, so many women can choose not to feed their baby what they must know is nutritionally far superior to anything else available (although I didn't realise until recently that people do still actually believe that formula is just as good, so that shows what I know). Because, to me, the idea of feeding a BigMac to a baby sends shivers down my spine.
But then I think how easy it would be for others to judge me-for having a baby without being financially stable, with a man I didn't know at all well when I got knocked up, for taking said baby to festivals and squats, for the glass of wine I had last night (and didn't finish, and managed to knock on the floor whilst writing this-it splashed all over her Moses Basket stand-how's that for terrible parenting), for having silly hair.... And it makes me paranoid, and confused, and very unsure. It's a fucking minefield, this whole parenting thing. Because the lines between every woman's right to choose what to do with their body, and their right to choose how they raise their children, and the rights of children to the best possible shot at good health seem pretty blurred. I know that the best thing to do is just worry about my baby, and assume that everyone else has a very good reason for the things they do-but it's easier said than done, to be honest. Still, if I'm going to keep my sanity and make friends with other mums around here, I'm going to have to learn to save my 'righteous anger' not for people who make different choices to me, but for a society that makes things fucking difficult for women all round.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Washout...
This summer is the definition of the word washout, and unfortunately the majority of summer events that we look forward to all year have been blighted by the torrential, almost continual, rain. I hate it so much, and we're not even in one of the many badly flooded areas. We have running water and electricity, all of our belongings are safe and dry and we live ont he top of a hill, so I shouldn't even be complaining, but it's just so shitty, waiting 8 months for summer and it simply not coming.
This weekend we went to the Moor Music Festival in Ilkley. Taking a 6 week old to a festival for 3 days was surprisingly easy, in some ways. We desperately wanted to go, because it's where we met-one year ago. Returning 12 months later with our baby was just such a brilliant, circular thing, and what a perfect anniversary celebration! Seriously, whudda thunk that our pilled up drunken tent frolicks last year would lead to a life of such domesticity, parenthood and real love and friendship. Not me, that's for sure, I was determined to make it just a 2 night stand............
But we went back with our baby, and we all had lots of fun, despite the fact that it rained for pretty much the entire time, and the mud was deep and sticky and everywhere. It was a very very different experience from last time-the weather, the lack of drugs and the minimal amount of alcohol, retiring to the tent at midnight, and basically being Mr and Mrs Responsible, but we did have fun, and I realised that, no, things are never going to be the same, but I can enjoy bits of my old life in a moderate, altered form, and it will still be good. Although I did get really upset on the last night when we left a fast asleep Cara with Hayley (who I totally trust with her) outside a tent for 10 minutes so we could have a dance together to some filthy dubstep, and some random lady came up to me wagging her finger asking where my baby was...and I became paranoid that everyone thought I was a terrible mother and sat outside crying for the rest of the evening....
Anyway, Cara seemed to thoroughly enjoy the experience, slept through most of it, and got ridiculous amounts of attention from everyone there. We bought some baby ear defenders for her, which are hilariously large and unbelievably cute, and meant that she became the youngest person ever to be dancing to High Pressure Soundsystem (in the sling, of course, she can't quite dance yet!). I didn't take the digicam cos I'm too paranoid about losing it, but I took a few photos on film that I'll get developed and put on CD soon-little baby in front of big sound system is very very cute.
I wonder if one day she'll just be embarassed by her childhood of festivals and dubstep and hip hop and sad old person music.....
This weekend we went to the Moor Music Festival in Ilkley. Taking a 6 week old to a festival for 3 days was surprisingly easy, in some ways. We desperately wanted to go, because it's where we met-one year ago. Returning 12 months later with our baby was just such a brilliant, circular thing, and what a perfect anniversary celebration! Seriously, whudda thunk that our pilled up drunken tent frolicks last year would lead to a life of such domesticity, parenthood and real love and friendship. Not me, that's for sure, I was determined to make it just a 2 night stand............
But we went back with our baby, and we all had lots of fun, despite the fact that it rained for pretty much the entire time, and the mud was deep and sticky and everywhere. It was a very very different experience from last time-the weather, the lack of drugs and the minimal amount of alcohol, retiring to the tent at midnight, and basically being Mr and Mrs Responsible, but we did have fun, and I realised that, no, things are never going to be the same, but I can enjoy bits of my old life in a moderate, altered form, and it will still be good. Although I did get really upset on the last night when we left a fast asleep Cara with Hayley (who I totally trust with her) outside a tent for 10 minutes so we could have a dance together to some filthy dubstep, and some random lady came up to me wagging her finger asking where my baby was...and I became paranoid that everyone thought I was a terrible mother and sat outside crying for the rest of the evening....
Anyway, Cara seemed to thoroughly enjoy the experience, slept through most of it, and got ridiculous amounts of attention from everyone there. We bought some baby ear defenders for her, which are hilariously large and unbelievably cute, and meant that she became the youngest person ever to be dancing to High Pressure Soundsystem (in the sling, of course, she can't quite dance yet!). I didn't take the digicam cos I'm too paranoid about losing it, but I took a few photos on film that I'll get developed and put on CD soon-little baby in front of big sound system is very very cute.
I wonder if one day she'll just be embarassed by her childhood of festivals and dubstep and hip hop and sad old person music.....
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Happy Birfday to me...
I turned 22 on Saturday. I had a much better day than expected. Went for a meal with a few good friends,
Sat in the rare bit of sunshine in Meanwood Park and chilled for a while,
(I love this photo, there's something very special about 'bad boys' and babies... not that any of them are actually remotely bad boyish in reality)We wandered in the woods, clear, lush and glistening from the recent floods. Liam educated us all about local history, and the dogs ran around madly. Cara slept happily in my purdy new mei tei whilst we walked.
And Mark, Cara and I ended the day with a chip butty and a bottle of beer in Hyde Park's evening sun. One beer between the two of us, how things have changed.......
21 was my most tumultuous year yet. 22 is going to be calmer in a lot of ways, but full of new things. lets see.
Friday, July 13, 2007
I love her so much it makes me want to cry
I've only really hit that stage in the last few days. I was scared that it was taking so long. But now my heart truly melts when I look at her.The smiles help too...
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Getting the hang of things
Gah, well I started to write a birth story about a week ago, but it got long long long, and things (well one little thing in particular!) sort of distracted me, so I don't know when it will get done. I really hope I do manage to do it whilst the memories are still sort of fresh-they're already fading, what with having to get used to looking after an ACTUAL PERSON 24/7...whew. It is, I must admit, rather hard. She is a lovely, lovely, super mellow baby, but the adjustment from complete freedom (or almost complete freedom, whilst pregnant) to complete lack of it has been a bit difficult for me, and there have been meltdowns a plenty. But I think I'm getting into the swing of it. Can't believe she's 4 weeks old tomorrow! Really quite scary, and a reminder to me to stop moping and enjoy her extreme little-ness (especially since I'm not really intending to have any more babies). The health visitor came and weighed her yesterday, she's 9lb 6! (7lb 12 at birth). I was so chuffed, the feeling that it's all my milk that is making her grow really helps with the baby blues cos goddamit, I'm keeping her alive! And growing her big! All with my own body, it is very satisfying. And it makes me resent the puddles that I wake up in constantly a little less....
Anyway, I have been on the net plenty but not really felt able to post much anywhere (mostly cos I always have a baby on my arm drinking away), but will hopefully get back into it soon. I don't know what I do all day, because she really isn't as demanding as some babies, but it's just difficult to get back into a rythym (especially as I've never been the most motivated person). I desperately want to knit and sew and bake again, but I really feel like all I should be doing when not tending to her is housework. But it must be possible, so many of the amazing crafty women I 'know' on the internet are mamas, so I'm sure eventually I'll get it back, won't I? I did make these socks!:
Err, are we bad people for dressing our baby up for our own amusement...... (she was cool with it, honest!)
Plus we have managed to get out and about plenty. Cara got to go to her first gig aged 2 weeks and 5 days-not bad! Kimya Dawson played an all ages baby friendly show at the Common Place, a radical social centre in town. It was a great evening, packed with people that I know who were all very keen to see the little (you know that you have made a place your home when you can go to a gig and chat easily with about half the people there). Kimya has an 11 month old girl called Panda, and we had a quick chat about babbies, which was nice because she is one of my favourite singers and she came up to talk to me-the advantages of having a wee one! It was such a good gig for a new mum, loads of her recent songs are about motherhood/pregnancy and I got a bit teary. Plus she played one early set specifically for babies, which was brilliant. Need to get hold of her baby album, Alphabutt, which she had sold out of the night before. Anyway, it was great, we watched music and chilled with many friends and well wishers, ate good vegan food, and my lovely elegant daughter did a projectile vomit with my boob in her mouth all over the floor. Lurrvely. Well, at least it was at the Common Place, where a bit of boob vomiting won't even raise an eyebrow and the floors all wipe (fairly) clean, rather than in the bank, where I had fed her earlier that day! Don't think they would have been quite so cool with it...
Couple of pics of the gig and us:
Anyway, I have been on the net plenty but not really felt able to post much anywhere (mostly cos I always have a baby on my arm drinking away), but will hopefully get back into it soon. I don't know what I do all day, because she really isn't as demanding as some babies, but it's just difficult to get back into a rythym (especially as I've never been the most motivated person). I desperately want to knit and sew and bake again, but I really feel like all I should be doing when not tending to her is housework. But it must be possible, so many of the amazing crafty women I 'know' on the internet are mamas, so I'm sure eventually I'll get it back, won't I? I did make these socks!:
They look good with this outfit (matching hat knitted many months ago when she was a wee bump):
Err, are we bad people for dressing our baby up for our own amusement...... (she was cool with it, honest!)Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Finally!
Cara is here, and she's unbelievably beautiful and perfect and little and lovely. Birth went fantastically well. Born in our bedroom at 12.15am Thursday 7th June, 7lb 12 oz, 4 hours active labour, 1 hour second stage, no pain relief or other intervention and I bloody loved it. Only crappy bit was having to go to hospital for stitches-but at least then I got to get utterly off my face on gas and air and be a little abusive to the obstetricians...
We are doing really well, she is super chilled out so far, sleeping a hell of a lot, gradually getting the hang of breastfeeding and doing big luminous poos (only one of which has made me physically retch and run out of the bathroom leaving her to Mark..). We can't believe how beautiful she is, and spend far too much time just looking at her and kissing her and holding her and playing with her GIANT feet.
Am trying to get round to writing a proper birth story, may be a while as I am annoyingly wordy and also preoccupied....
Friday, June 1, 2007
Shiny belly and frizzy dreads!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
I am still pregnant. I have been royally messed around by our maternity system over the last week or so, but I'm trying not to dwell on it right now so I will refrain from writing a big rant on everything. I need to focus on relaxing and destressing and trying not to break down EVERY SINGLE MORNING when I wake up and realise that last night's contractions came to nothing and I am still pregnant.
Oh lovely lovely baby inside of me, please feel free to grow big and strong and ready to cope with the world outside, but please please understand how much we want you and need you out here. We can't wait to meet you, we really can't. But we want you to have the entrance into the world that you deserve, and that gets harder to achieve every day that you stay inside. Because the doctors don't believe that you have your reasons for staying there, they just think that it isn't 'normal' once it gets past a certain date, even though lots of babies want that extra time. And my darling darling baby, even though I want desperately for you to choose your own birthday, and to be born at home away from all the things that scare the shit out of me and that healthy babies and mamas don't need, baby, I just don't know if I have the energy to fight anymore. All that I really want is for you to be here and be healthy, but I know that we should at least get a chance to do things in the most gentle way possible, for both of us.
So please, come and join us soon. I know it is comfortable inside my tummy, but it's nice here too. So many people will love you so much, more than you will ever know or understand. Just because we didn't plan to have you doesn't mean we don't want you more than anything, more than we can believe. Really, you will like us, I promise. Well, you will until you're a teenager and then you will despise us, but after that you might even like us again.
I know you are stubborn. You have put us through a lot already, but I know you are meant to be with us. But please, just do us one little favour and come soon!
Oh lovely lovely baby inside of me, please feel free to grow big and strong and ready to cope with the world outside, but please please understand how much we want you and need you out here. We can't wait to meet you, we really can't. But we want you to have the entrance into the world that you deserve, and that gets harder to achieve every day that you stay inside. Because the doctors don't believe that you have your reasons for staying there, they just think that it isn't 'normal' once it gets past a certain date, even though lots of babies want that extra time. And my darling darling baby, even though I want desperately for you to choose your own birthday, and to be born at home away from all the things that scare the shit out of me and that healthy babies and mamas don't need, baby, I just don't know if I have the energy to fight anymore. All that I really want is for you to be here and be healthy, but I know that we should at least get a chance to do things in the most gentle way possible, for both of us.
So please, come and join us soon. I know it is comfortable inside my tummy, but it's nice here too. So many people will love you so much, more than you will ever know or understand. Just because we didn't plan to have you doesn't mean we don't want you more than anything, more than we can believe. Really, you will like us, I promise. Well, you will until you're a teenager and then you will despise us, but after that you might even like us again.
I know you are stubborn. You have put us through a lot already, but I know you are meant to be with us. But please, just do us one little favour and come soon!
Monday, May 21, 2007
This is shit...
Sigh. Still no baby, and the stress is mounting in a big way. I've been venting about it on forums so all my vent is out and I can't be arsed to rehash it here, but this is starting to be very very frustrating. Mostly because of worrying about pressure to induce/intervene/go to effing hospital.
I sobbed my heart out this morning just worrying about what's going to happen if things don't get started soon. This is shit, so shit, because if I could be confident that I had a midwife who supported natural birth and believed in letting the body do its thing in all but really dangerous situations, I could relax and enjoy these last days and just enjoy nurturing my baby inside me. But because of the way the NHS works, I haven't got a clue if I will get any support, the likelihood is they will all be covering their arses by trying to get me into hospital/induced, and I have no choice (or continuity) whatsoever in who provides my care. This is crap.
And I have heartburn from the massive curry I ate last night in an attempt to get things going. Meh.
Oh well, here's a picture of me pulling the usual weird face, and baby belly on a walk along Woodhouse Ridge the other day. At least I can taker a few more pregnant photos in an attempt to get just one where I don't look completely bizarre and weird faced. Although it would probably take another 9 months to do that.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Eating tasty food keeps us distracted...
Still no baby. Sigh. But I have been keeping busy and trying not to dwell on it (actually, sometimes it worries me how normal I feel. I'm on the brink of the most momentous and life changing event I'm ever likely to experience, and yet I just potter around all day and watch crappy telly. Weird). So instead of moaning, I am going to show what I've been eating (and photgraphing! I can't believe I've actually become one of those people who takes photos of their food!). 
It didn't look as good as it should because the only dish I had was too large for the quantities I made, but it tasted damn good. It's really easy as well, just normal cheesy bechamel sauce layered with lasgne sheets and spinach sauteed with garlic and onion (I added a bit of courgette as well because it was going mouldy in my fridge), plus some pine nuts and nutmeg for good measure. Yum. And it tasted even better for lunch on Sunday (weird how that happens...)
Firstly, way back on Saturday night I decided to make a cheesy spinach lasagne, which I haven't made in ages but remembered being hella tasty. Here it is being appreciated by the boy I accidentally managed to convert away from veganism onto the dark path of dairy...
It didn't look as good as it should because the only dish I had was too large for the quantities I made, but it tasted damn good. It's really easy as well, just normal cheesy bechamel sauce layered with lasgne sheets and spinach sauteed with garlic and onion (I added a bit of courgette as well because it was going mouldy in my fridge), plus some pine nuts and nutmeg for good measure. Yum. And it tasted even better for lunch on Sunday (weird how that happens...)And for dessert, a very vegan chocolate mousse. This is the silken tofu blended with melted dark chocolate formula that I had long been eyeing sceptically in vegan cookbooks. It was far far more delicious than I could ever have expected, and the texture was just perfect! Really moussey and firm, and not at all reminiscent of tofu. I also added a teensy bit of bourbon for flavour (ssshhhhhh, it was just a tiny bit!), plus some summer fruits on top so it looked rather pro.
Very simple-just drain the tofu as well as you can, blend it till smooth, melt a couple of bars of nice dark chocolate, add a little golden syrup, then chuck them in with the tofu and blend till it's all well combined. Put into bowls for individual servings then chill til it's firm. No one would guess there's tofu in this, and it seems a lot easier than preparing chocolate mousse int he traditional way (which I've never done but remember my mum fussing over for hours before dinner parties).
Very simple-just drain the tofu as well as you can, blend it till smooth, melt a couple of bars of nice dark chocolate, add a little golden syrup, then chuck them in with the tofu and blend till it's all well combined. Put into bowls for individual servings then chill til it's firm. No one would guess there's tofu in this, and it seems a lot easier than preparing chocolate mousse int he traditional way (which I've never done but remember my mum fussing over for hours before dinner parties). Sunday was another scrummy (but unphotographed) dinner-a massive stirfry of cabbage, courgette, green pepper, marinated tofu and quorn and egg noodles, with loads of sweet chilli sauce, of course, followed by probably the best crumble I have ever made, thanks to the kilo of rhubarb for £1 that they were selling in the shop at the Urban Farm a few minutes walk from out house (stopped by there on my way back from the recycling centre and gawped at the cute animals for a while.)
And today, despite eating alone for every meal except breakfast because he's out earning pennies, I have been rather good to myself. For lunch, this:
Sauteed kale made with this recipe-, plus lightly fried strips of oh so tasty basil tofu. I bought some kale the other day because it's supposed to be very high in iron, and I am rather low in iron according to my blood tests. So I coooked half the bag up in a similar manner to spinach, added a bit of garlic and a squeeze of lemon, and eugh, it tasted like shit. Well, not shit, just like leaves. Far too leafy and 'green' for my tastes (although that is obviously the point!). But I still had half a bag knocking around, so I googled kale recipes and this came up. Had all the ingredients and it sounded good, and would ya know it, it actually was! I went a tad overboard on the vinegar, but really enjoyed the kick from the chilli and onion, and didn't have to choke it down at all. (And felt healthy and good). I added sesame seeds, cos sesame seeds make everything better.
And for dinner, a plate full of what may well be my three favourite foods:
Oven roasted British asparagus with olive oil and black pepper, roast potatoes with a touch of garlic, and some oh so delicious Scottish smoked salmon with a squeeze of lemon (and of course black pepper). Oh, how I love all of these foods. British asparagus is amazing, but it's season is so short and it's pricey as hell. I can't believe I actually caved and went to Marks and Spencers (insanely pricey for food) to get this. It just kind of happened whilst I was in town (I was only in town to buy borax and walk around in the hope of getting baby moving). And then I just sort of accidentally picked up the very expensive but very very good smoked salmon, and now I am considerably poorer but rather content.
I will stop eating fishes once baby gets out. It makes me feel bad. But it tastes so good.
(The potatoes are rather overdone, but I actually like them that way. They weren't as good as they could have been because I used sunflower oil instead of olive as cost cutting measure. Made them taste a bit too much like chips. But I suppose I like chips.)
Tasty tasty food, gives me something to focus my energy on and a way to feel like I'm taking care of myself. And stops me from running around madly shouting at the baby to get out of my belly. Not that I'd do that, of course...
Friday, May 11, 2007
Oh yeah, yesterday I also broke a table by sitting on it. It cracked in half. It made me feel sad and very very pregnant.
Today I feel a little better. Actually I'm really quite cheerful. I made banana bread with pear and apple in it. Now I will go and eat it.
I'm going a bit delerious actually. Mwahaha.
Today I feel a little better. Actually I'm really quite cheerful. I made banana bread with pear and apple in it. Now I will go and eat it.
I'm going a bit delerious actually. Mwahaha.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Eeeeugh...
Wow, I'm in a state today. Just little things really, but they all pile up and then I become a crazy lady with super high blood pressure who screams and throws things and then feels shitty. My phone decided to stop working this morning, just wouldn't turn on, and I just about lost it. Actually, no just about about it, I utterly lost it, screamed a lot and threw it at the wall. Several times. Damn, I may have put baby off making an appearance, she won't want to meet her scary mama now... Anyway, it sounds like a little thing, but I don't have a landline, and being 40 weeks pregnant without any way of getting in touch with anyone other than going and finding them is a little unfortunate. But it's all sorted now, and I have a new one, and it's all good...but I could have done without the stress this morning. My blood pressure at my midwife's appointment was sky high, I had to lie down to get it anywhere near normal to stop them getting worried, and I still feel a leetle tense.
Anyway, the last 2 days have been nice, although I'm very very prone to emotional breakdowns at the moment. Mark had a couple of days off, and we did fun stuff, because we haven't had much of a chance at 'couple time', and there aint much longer left (I hope...feels like it could be forever at the moment!). Tuesday we went to York. York is so nice, and it was just good to be out of Leeds. We spent lots of money that we don't have on nice things that we don't really need, and frolicked in the pretty streets. And I bought lovely lovely yarn.
Mark looking shifty in pretty street.
We bought very very very tasty fudge. Oh my goodness it is good.
Took cheesy photos of ourselves.
And ate a very tasty meal in a very very cool bar/restaurant place with yummy asian food and many, many cocktails and non-alcoholic delights. This was my reward for finishing my essay, and maybe our last meal out without baby... although I doubt it to be honest cos she's never gonna come. 
And that was our very good day out. Very good. Then we had another nice day yesterday, went swimming which was fun (although I kept wondering if I'd notice if my waters broke in the pool...), and generally enjoyed ourselves. Now come and join the fun little one.... Please?
Friday, May 4, 2007
Come on baby...
I am attempting to finish my essay, but my mind is quite firmly elsewhere. It is hard to concentrate on writing a detailed analysis of the relation between space and character in Pasolini's Ragazzi di vita (particualarly a detailed analysis in Italian, which requires me to look up every other word in the dictionary becuase the last 5 months have done absolutely bugger all for my italian language skills), when all I want to do is scrub the floor and have a baby on it. I've come to the library to work on it, becuase there aren't so many distractions here, like telly, and cute baby clothes to be folded and put away in meticulous order for the fifteenth time and adorable newborn sized cloth nappies to be admired, and floors to be scrubbed. But there is still the internet. And the internet steals my brain, dontcha know, because it is full of things related to babies, and that is what my brain wants. Not 20th century Italian literature.
I can't believe I put this off until a week before my due date. I really am a fool. What have I been doing for the last 5 months? Well, obviously pregnancy hasn't completely changed my character. I will always be a procrastinator, particularly when it comes to academia. I know what an amazing relief it will be when this is finshed off and handed in. I know that I can't really prepare myself properly for labour with it still hanging over me. But I also know that my mind does not wish to co-operate with this. I want to have a baby and start being a mama and just get on with it. But I think there's going to be quite a wait ahead. My official due date is a week tomorrow, but I know that she's gonna be way later than that (based on ultrasounds, my own knowledge of 'events', and just general intuition that I may have a stubborn baby who will put me through the wringer fighting for a homebirth once I go over). In one way this is good, as it gives me time to get things done (ie, this damn essay, and the scrubbing of the floors). But in most other ways it is a big fat pain in the arse, cos I want my baby damnit! And I really don't want to fight against induction or end up with a hospital birth for what is almost certainly a baby 10 days younger than the 'official' dates.
If I at least get this finished then I can concentrate on making the baby come (haha, I know it's not that easy, but nipple tweaking and vast amounts of sex are being witheld from me until after essays are handed in, so I'd quite like to get this show on the road...)
I can't believe I put this off until a week before my due date. I really am a fool. What have I been doing for the last 5 months? Well, obviously pregnancy hasn't completely changed my character. I will always be a procrastinator, particularly when it comes to academia. I know what an amazing relief it will be when this is finshed off and handed in. I know that I can't really prepare myself properly for labour with it still hanging over me. But I also know that my mind does not wish to co-operate with this. I want to have a baby and start being a mama and just get on with it. But I think there's going to be quite a wait ahead. My official due date is a week tomorrow, but I know that she's gonna be way later than that (based on ultrasounds, my own knowledge of 'events', and just general intuition that I may have a stubborn baby who will put me through the wringer fighting for a homebirth once I go over). In one way this is good, as it gives me time to get things done (ie, this damn essay, and the scrubbing of the floors). But in most other ways it is a big fat pain in the arse, cos I want my baby damnit! And I really don't want to fight against induction or end up with a hospital birth for what is almost certainly a baby 10 days younger than the 'official' dates.
If I at least get this finished then I can concentrate on making the baby come (haha, I know it's not that easy, but nipple tweaking and vast amounts of sex are being witheld from me until after essays are handed in, so I'd quite like to get this show on the road...)
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Catch up...
Well, I really thought being able to illustrate my posts would inspire me to blog more, but seemingly not. I have had lots of blog worthy happenings over the last couple of weeks, but no motivation to post about them whatsoever. So, here's some rushed catch up and pictures:
Firstly, my 'not a baby shower baby related gathering', which took place at my house last Saturday. Baby showers aren't common practice here, but I wanted to have some sort of pre baby gathering of girly friends, to eat yummy food and talk about babies and sort of celebrate the little life to be in a not too cheesy way. Especially since I am by far the first of my close friends to reproduce, so they are all very excited about it, and it has huge novelty value, which I don't think would be the case if I were in my late twenties/thirties and married! It was exactly what I wanted really, lovely girlieness, some really thoughtful presents, and lots of yummy food (mostly made by me over the preceeding three days, in a notasstressedasIusuallyamwhenpreparinglargeamountsoffood kind of state, although I did have a last minute big stress when I sent Kirsty and Hayley out to buy me chocolate. I am such a mardy crazy pregnant lady recently).
A few pics:
The spread. Let's see if I can remember what there was. Hmmm.....spinach and orzo salad, bulgar salad with roast veg and soy vinagrette, lemon and mint cous cous, walnut falafel, pine nut scones with pesto and roast veg topping, tapenade puff pastry swirls, puff pastry and roast veg squares, sos-rolls, guacamole, hummus (3 types-'plain', sundried tomato and roast pepper and avocado and lime), foccacia, baked tortillas, red onion and thyme tofu tart, zesty white bean pate, spicy red bean pate, baba ganoush style aubergine dip, sun dried tomato tapenade, sweet potato fries, paprika potato wedges and garlic bread. Think that's it (some isn't shown here). All made from scratch by me, all totally vegan. Bloody hell, I am mad aren't I?
Me enjoying the spread...
Lots of ladies squeezed into our little living room (it was exclusively female, not deliberately but that's how it happened. It scared me a little to be honest)
Happy ladies eating!
Happy Hayley and me!
It was a lovely evening, though I was totally knackered by the end. But I'm so glad I actually got round to doing it, would have been a shame not to do summat special. And my lovely friends did the washing up for me! Hooray!
Next day, we were intending to go for a daytrip to Hebden Bridge, but slept far too long for it to be worthwhile. So we pottered around instead, and repainted the damp damaged corner of the kitchen.
Gotta love the sexy mask. Was good to get it done, the flaky paint has been pissing me off since we moved in. We are a good decorating team, me and 'im.
It was a particularly good day of pottering, we pottered to the park to drop off the compost, then back via the fair that was just down the road all last week. I love fairs. I love fairground rides, although I scream myself silly on them. It was quite a torment, seeing the waltzers (my very favourite) and all the garish noisy so so fun looking rides. But Mark won a stuffed dog toy for the baby (well, me. And himself) on the basketball game, which was nice. Then we gorged ourselves on the left overs from the night before. With sweet chilli sauce
.
Bless him.
Tomorrow, I will post about our project from the weekend just gone, the amazing bedroom redecoration of joy. Oooh it's good.
Now, I will go and make myself some tasty food and drink raspberry leaf tea and ask the baby to come soon, please, because I'm getting impatient and achey. Although I still have one essay to write. Shiiiit.
Firstly, my 'not a baby shower baby related gathering', which took place at my house last Saturday. Baby showers aren't common practice here, but I wanted to have some sort of pre baby gathering of girly friends, to eat yummy food and talk about babies and sort of celebrate the little life to be in a not too cheesy way. Especially since I am by far the first of my close friends to reproduce, so they are all very excited about it, and it has huge novelty value, which I don't think would be the case if I were in my late twenties/thirties and married! It was exactly what I wanted really, lovely girlieness, some really thoughtful presents, and lots of yummy food (mostly made by me over the preceeding three days, in a notasstressedasIusuallyamwhenpreparinglargeamountsoffood kind of state, although I did have a last minute big stress when I sent Kirsty and Hayley out to buy me chocolate. I am such a mardy crazy pregnant lady recently).
A few pics:
The spread. Let's see if I can remember what there was. Hmmm.....spinach and orzo salad, bulgar salad with roast veg and soy vinagrette, lemon and mint cous cous, walnut falafel, pine nut scones with pesto and roast veg topping, tapenade puff pastry swirls, puff pastry and roast veg squares, sos-rolls, guacamole, hummus (3 types-'plain', sundried tomato and roast pepper and avocado and lime), foccacia, baked tortillas, red onion and thyme tofu tart, zesty white bean pate, spicy red bean pate, baba ganoush style aubergine dip, sun dried tomato tapenade, sweet potato fries, paprika potato wedges and garlic bread. Think that's it (some isn't shown here). All made from scratch by me, all totally vegan. Bloody hell, I am mad aren't I?
Me enjoying the spread...
Lots of ladies squeezed into our little living room (it was exclusively female, not deliberately but that's how it happened. It scared me a little to be honest)
Happy ladies eating!Happy Hayley and me!
It was a lovely evening, though I was totally knackered by the end. But I'm so glad I actually got round to doing it, would have been a shame not to do summat special. And my lovely friends did the washing up for me! Hooray!
Next day, we were intending to go for a daytrip to Hebden Bridge, but slept far too long for it to be worthwhile. So we pottered around instead, and repainted the damp damaged corner of the kitchen.
Gotta love the sexy mask. Was good to get it done, the flaky paint has been pissing me off since we moved in. We are a good decorating team, me and 'im.
It was a particularly good day of pottering, we pottered to the park to drop off the compost, then back via the fair that was just down the road all last week. I love fairs. I love fairground rides, although I scream myself silly on them. It was quite a torment, seeing the waltzers (my very favourite) and all the garish noisy so so fun looking rides. But Mark won a stuffed dog toy for the baby (well, me. And himself) on the basketball game, which was nice. Then we gorged ourselves on the left overs from the night before. With sweet chilli sauce
.Bless him.
Tomorrow, I will post about our project from the weekend just gone, the amazing bedroom redecoration of joy. Oooh it's good.
Now, I will go and make myself some tasty food and drink raspberry leaf tea and ask the baby to come soon, please, because I'm getting impatient and achey. Although I still have one essay to write. Shiiiit.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Look, it's meeeeee!
Ooooh yeah, I bought a digital camera! Very exciting. I realised that I have never in my life bought a single item (not a flight or other journey) worth more than about fifty quid, until today! It was 'only' £99.99, which I know to most people isn't a huge deal, but it is to me! I just don't have expensive things, it's not normally worth it, as I tend to lose and break most stuff that comes my way... My laptop is my only posession of any real monetary value, a very rare and unexpected present from my parents. And now I have something else to be paranoid about losing or having stolen or somehow destroying. But it takes pictures! And I can see them straight away! And I can put them on t'internet! Look!:
Oooh, better get off to bed really. Was out until after 10 (ohgoodnessme!) at a NCT breastfeeding class, which was fun. Got to play with dolls (which my little one tried vehemently to kick off my tummy-jealous, methinks!), and talk about boobs a lot. BOOBS! Aren't they bloody brilliant! Fucking clever that breastmilk shit.
Yeah, I'm knackered and delirious now. I leave you with this beautiful, very pregnant self timer picture, showing off to great effect our electric radiator....
Oooh, better get off to bed really. Was out until after 10 (ohgoodnessme!) at a NCT breastfeeding class, which was fun. Got to play with dolls (which my little one tried vehemently to kick off my tummy-jealous, methinks!), and talk about boobs a lot. BOOBS! Aren't they bloody brilliant! Fucking clever that breastmilk shit.
Yeah, I'm knackered and delirious now. I leave you with this beautiful, very pregnant self timer picture, showing off to great effect our electric radiator....
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
So, I'm Crap With Babies....
Hmm, that was a less than reassuring evening. Mark rang me at about half six to see if I could babysit that evening for our friends' 14 month old whilst they went to see 300 (too gory for me-I have a very low gore threshold!). I have never been alone with anyone who qualifies as a baby (or even a child, except when I was one obviously) for more than 5 minutes. It scares me. But, obviously, I need to get over that fear, so I said yes. We have babysat for Leon before, although it was the two of us, which makes things easier. And he is lovely, ridiculously cute (I am worried about the precedent he has set for cute babies amongst people we know...). He's actually the first baby that I've had any real contact with, except when I was really young. His dad has been mates with Mark for years, and they had a similar situation to ours (getting knocked up after knowing each other for about 5 minutes), which is kind of useful for us a the moment. So anyway, it was only for a few hours whilst they went to see the film, and he'd be asleep for most of it anyway, so it was all good.
We went round about half seven, and although he was supposed to be in bed he wasn't having any of it, so he came down and played with us all for a bit, and was being absolutely perfect and cute. Then the time came for them to go, and he waved bye bye to his dad, and to Mark, and to his mum, but once he kind of figured out that they were all going and it was just him and me, the not very exciting, least familiar one, he started crying. And would not stop. Oh my god, it was gutwrenching. He was screaming like I was torturing him, when in reality I was hugging him and rocking him and patting him and trying to be soothing. It was so hard to figure out what would calm him down, I was actually pleading with him to tell me what the matter was (err, yeah, he's 14 months..) and practically crying myself. He wouldn't drink the bottle of milk they left for him, his nappy was fine (although i had to change it before I found this out, and that upset him even more), and every time we went vaguely near his cot he screamed and screamed. We eventually manage to calm down a bit, and pulling funny faces made him smile a little, and I even read a book, but 90% of the time between them leaving and him falling asleep, he was hysterical. In retrospect, he was just overtired, and about 30 secs of back rubbing after I put him in his cot he was out like a light, but I just didn't pick up on that quick enough, and was kind of put off by the fact that he screamed blue murder if we went near it.
So yeah, it was absolutely not reassuring. I have absolutely no experience with babies, and I don't think I have much natural ability with them either. To be honest, I never cooed over them, always avoided holding them (Leon was the first baby I ever held, about 7 months ago), and I just don't know how to deal with them, especially when they are so upset. It's so so hard to hear them scream like you are pulling out their toenails out when you are doing all you can to make it better. How the hell do you cope with that when it's your own? I am scared.
Anyway, once he got to sleep I did all their washing up because I felt like I had to make up for traumatising their kid. I like washing up, it's soothing. I am weird. Oh, but I did have to keep running upstairs to check that he was still breathing. I am a bit worried about how I'm gonna cope with this whole motherhood thing you know...
We went round about half seven, and although he was supposed to be in bed he wasn't having any of it, so he came down and played with us all for a bit, and was being absolutely perfect and cute. Then the time came for them to go, and he waved bye bye to his dad, and to Mark, and to his mum, but once he kind of figured out that they were all going and it was just him and me, the not very exciting, least familiar one, he started crying. And would not stop. Oh my god, it was gutwrenching. He was screaming like I was torturing him, when in reality I was hugging him and rocking him and patting him and trying to be soothing. It was so hard to figure out what would calm him down, I was actually pleading with him to tell me what the matter was (err, yeah, he's 14 months..) and practically crying myself. He wouldn't drink the bottle of milk they left for him, his nappy was fine (although i had to change it before I found this out, and that upset him even more), and every time we went vaguely near his cot he screamed and screamed. We eventually manage to calm down a bit, and pulling funny faces made him smile a little, and I even read a book, but 90% of the time between them leaving and him falling asleep, he was hysterical. In retrospect, he was just overtired, and about 30 secs of back rubbing after I put him in his cot he was out like a light, but I just didn't pick up on that quick enough, and was kind of put off by the fact that he screamed blue murder if we went near it.
So yeah, it was absolutely not reassuring. I have absolutely no experience with babies, and I don't think I have much natural ability with them either. To be honest, I never cooed over them, always avoided holding them (Leon was the first baby I ever held, about 7 months ago), and I just don't know how to deal with them, especially when they are so upset. It's so so hard to hear them scream like you are pulling out their toenails out when you are doing all you can to make it better. How the hell do you cope with that when it's your own? I am scared.
Anyway, once he got to sleep I did all their washing up because I felt like I had to make up for traumatising their kid. I like washing up, it's soothing. I am weird. Oh, but I did have to keep running upstairs to check that he was still breathing. I am a bit worried about how I'm gonna cope with this whole motherhood thing you know...
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Unmotivated and heavy...
So, once again my attempts to blog have trailed off miserably within 4 posts. It's weird, I always think it would be great to write a post, start composing it in my head, but then when I sit down at the computer all I can do is read message boards and other people's blogs. I'm definitely a wallflower when it comes to the internet, but never mind. We've had internet (and a load of fancy TV channels woo) in the house for a couple of weeks now, so I really have no excuse. Maybe I will get my arse in gear from now on, although I doubt it. Things have been going pretty well overall, and I am happy and excited and healthy, but oh so tired. And I seem to be constantly doing stuff, but not getting anything done... Can't believe it's only about 7 weeks till my due date (although I think she will be late, but my midwife won't put the date back grr). It's so exciting, but oh so scary! I'm lucky though, things have been going better than I could ever have hoped for in terms of cohabiting and our relationship in general-in fact we are disgustingly loved up, and it's rather nice if I do say so myself. Seeing how excited he is makes me feel better if I ever get any worries or doubts, and to be honest it's all turned out rather perfectly (so far, of course it is early days but all indications are good). I am a very very lucky lady.
Babe is still doing well, I had to have another scan this morning unfortunately, after being scared shitless once again over the last few days by the lack of movement from the little one. All seems well, she's just bashing my placenta (that damn placenta!), and I have trouble feeling it, which is very annoying as I never quite relax. She's still a girl (!), now 4 scans have said that so if she comes out with added extras it will be beyond surprising. And she's head down, and has been for a good four weeks, so hopefully she will continue to like it that way! I'm reading shit loads of positive birthing books, my (lovely) doula has leant me Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (which I have ordered from Amazon but is taking forever to come through and i need sooner rather than later), plus some other great volumes about empowering birth. We've got the go ahead for a homebirth so far, and I'm very confident that that is what I want, and Mark is definitely on my side although he has had some worries. We started National Childbirth Trust classes last week, have another tomorrow morning, which is lots of fun! They are really good (so much better than the so called 'Active Birth' class at the hospital which basically said 'move around a bit and then we'll give you an epidural'). We are hilariously out of place amongst the couples there, who are all in their thirties, married and have successful careers. It's quite funny. But the classes are great, especially for M as they have loads of information for men and it means he doesn't have to read quite as many girly books!
Gonna go and do something productive now...perhaps. We are decorating the bathroom and it's nearly done, just needs a second coat on the upper half, but i have been banned from the scary looking stepladder so will have to wait until Mark has an actual day off to finish it. I could, however, finish painting the side of the bath. Or make the cushion covers I've been meaning to do since we moved in. Or sort baby clothes. Or bake some bread. Or start the essays I absolutely have to get done pretty damn soon. Or perhaps I'll just carry on reading message boards and blogs...
Babe is still doing well, I had to have another scan this morning unfortunately, after being scared shitless once again over the last few days by the lack of movement from the little one. All seems well, she's just bashing my placenta (that damn placenta!), and I have trouble feeling it, which is very annoying as I never quite relax. She's still a girl (!), now 4 scans have said that so if she comes out with added extras it will be beyond surprising. And she's head down, and has been for a good four weeks, so hopefully she will continue to like it that way! I'm reading shit loads of positive birthing books, my (lovely) doula has leant me Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (which I have ordered from Amazon but is taking forever to come through and i need sooner rather than later), plus some other great volumes about empowering birth. We've got the go ahead for a homebirth so far, and I'm very confident that that is what I want, and Mark is definitely on my side although he has had some worries. We started National Childbirth Trust classes last week, have another tomorrow morning, which is lots of fun! They are really good (so much better than the so called 'Active Birth' class at the hospital which basically said 'move around a bit and then we'll give you an epidural'). We are hilariously out of place amongst the couples there, who are all in their thirties, married and have successful careers. It's quite funny. But the classes are great, especially for M as they have loads of information for men and it means he doesn't have to read quite as many girly books!
Gonna go and do something productive now...perhaps. We are decorating the bathroom and it's nearly done, just needs a second coat on the upper half, but i have been banned from the scary looking stepladder so will have to wait until Mark has an actual day off to finish it. I could, however, finish painting the side of the bath. Or make the cushion covers I've been meaning to do since we moved in. Or sort baby clothes. Or bake some bread. Or start the essays I absolutely have to get done pretty damn soon. Or perhaps I'll just carry on reading message boards and blogs...
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Let the nesting commence
Got the keys to the new house today, which is good. As always it is slightly more shabby than I remembered from the viewing, and there's quite a bit of work to do (fresh coats of paint, patching peeling wallpaper, fixing quite a bit of damp), but I'm particularly glad to be moving in. Partly because we recently found out that there is an oh so delightful scabies infestation in this here house where I've been living for the last 2 months. Effing lovely, just what you want when six months pregnant. No signs of it on me or Mark yet but we will see...what fun.
I'm trying to get everything that we need for this house second hand-for dirty hippy reasons and, much more to the point, the fact that we are completely skint. So I've been getting loads of stuff off Freecycle. My haul so far is 4 bottles of unopened contact lens solution, an iron, a kettle, an ironing board (carried home from Meanwood on the bus this evening, wow I felt conspicuous), with more to come tomorrow if I succeed in getting a bus to some random place and then struggling home with washing basket and mop. Collecting things from Freecyclers is really surreal. You meet a complete stranger (so far I've met outside Argos, in someone's office, in uni and at the person's home), say hi and smile a lot, take a household object, thank them profusely and then walk away. I love it, it's sort of life affirming in its money free randomness. Today I walked through uni looking for a man with a kettle, found him, said 'hello, you're the man with the kettle', and then got a kettle. It was nice.
Obligatory baby news: I ended up going to hospital again on Monday and having yet more scans. Little one hadn't been moving much at all for a couple of days, and I was getting worried. On the informal u/s she was still worryingly still, enough for the midwife to send me for an immediate 'proper' u/s with measurements and everything. They couldn't find anything wrong, and she seems to be growing properly. I've been worried sick though, again. I'm sick of being worried sick. I keep having horrible dreams and it seems that every time I start to relax something happens. Being able to feel consistent movement would really help, but since I have an anterior placenta and she just seems to be hugely chilled out in there, it's another stress. Today she's been moving a lot more, which is really nice. I never thought I'd be so desperate for someone to kick my innards....
I'm trying to get everything that we need for this house second hand-for dirty hippy reasons and, much more to the point, the fact that we are completely skint. So I've been getting loads of stuff off Freecycle. My haul so far is 4 bottles of unopened contact lens solution, an iron, a kettle, an ironing board (carried home from Meanwood on the bus this evening, wow I felt conspicuous), with more to come tomorrow if I succeed in getting a bus to some random place and then struggling home with washing basket and mop. Collecting things from Freecyclers is really surreal. You meet a complete stranger (so far I've met outside Argos, in someone's office, in uni and at the person's home), say hi and smile a lot, take a household object, thank them profusely and then walk away. I love it, it's sort of life affirming in its money free randomness. Today I walked through uni looking for a man with a kettle, found him, said 'hello, you're the man with the kettle', and then got a kettle. It was nice.
Obligatory baby news: I ended up going to hospital again on Monday and having yet more scans. Little one hadn't been moving much at all for a couple of days, and I was getting worried. On the informal u/s she was still worryingly still, enough for the midwife to send me for an immediate 'proper' u/s with measurements and everything. They couldn't find anything wrong, and she seems to be growing properly. I've been worried sick though, again. I'm sick of being worried sick. I keep having horrible dreams and it seems that every time I start to relax something happens. Being able to feel consistent movement would really help, but since I have an anterior placenta and she just seems to be hugely chilled out in there, it's another stress. Today she's been moving a lot more, which is really nice. I never thought I'd be so desperate for someone to kick my innards....
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Finally, a nest to nest in!
So we've found a house, and signed for it for 18 months. Scary stuff (err, not in comparison to having a baby, true, but just one scary step on the increasingly scary journey!), but pretty damn good really. I like it at Mark's, I get on with his housemates and it has meant me not paying rent for a couple of months, but damn I'm starting to need a space of my own. And it's not incredibly conducive to pregnant-ness here, cos it always stinks of weed and everything in the kitchen feels greasy and there's stuff growing in the fridge and there is always loud dubstep coming from some room or other, which is nice but not when I need to sleep(wow, these things would never have bothered me about 8 months ago, whudda thunk it?).
We went to see a few houses, some nice but too expensive, some nice but in the wrong place, some just unbelievably shite and over priced, and thankfully the last one we saw, just when it was getting desperate, was pretty much everything we were after. It's big, 2 bedrooms, a cellar, not in pristine condition but definitely not too shabby either (I don't like the wallpaper in the living room, or the fireplace, but that's not exactly the top priority!). And they knocked the rent down to £50 a week until June, then £55 afterwards, because it's been empty for a while. Hopefully it will be good for us. The amount of space will definitely be a bonus, as we can be out of each other's hair easily, and I have lots and lots of crap (I don't think Mark realises this yet as I haven't actually had a permanent place to live in this country since we met, and have been living out of a rucksack for a long fucking time now...). I can't wait to get in there and make it pretty and cosy and full of my crap, and ready for baby. I will be wearing denim dungarees and a headscarf and brandishing a paintbrush for the next few months, thereby fulfilling my pregnant nesting woman urges (and longer standing denim dungaree and headscarf urges).
We pick up the keys 1st Feb, next Thursday. Thankfully we can have a nice slow move, as all of my crap is at my mum and dad's house and isn't going anywhere, and Mark's stuff is here (a 5 min walk away from the new place), and can also stay for a little bit. So hopefully it won't be too stressful.
If only we had a digital camera to do befores and afters (and pregnant tummy in dungaree pics haha). We'll see (cos I'm sure as hell gonna want to put bambina pics up on the old internets!).
We went to see a few houses, some nice but too expensive, some nice but in the wrong place, some just unbelievably shite and over priced, and thankfully the last one we saw, just when it was getting desperate, was pretty much everything we were after. It's big, 2 bedrooms, a cellar, not in pristine condition but definitely not too shabby either (I don't like the wallpaper in the living room, or the fireplace, but that's not exactly the top priority!). And they knocked the rent down to £50 a week until June, then £55 afterwards, because it's been empty for a while. Hopefully it will be good for us. The amount of space will definitely be a bonus, as we can be out of each other's hair easily, and I have lots and lots of crap (I don't think Mark realises this yet as I haven't actually had a permanent place to live in this country since we met, and have been living out of a rucksack for a long fucking time now...). I can't wait to get in there and make it pretty and cosy and full of my crap, and ready for baby. I will be wearing denim dungarees and a headscarf and brandishing a paintbrush for the next few months, thereby fulfilling my pregnant nesting woman urges (and longer standing denim dungaree and headscarf urges).
We pick up the keys 1st Feb, next Thursday. Thankfully we can have a nice slow move, as all of my crap is at my mum and dad's house and isn't going anywhere, and Mark's stuff is here (a 5 min walk away from the new place), and can also stay for a little bit. So hopefully it won't be too stressful.
If only we had a digital camera to do befores and afters (and pregnant tummy in dungaree pics haha). We'll see (cos I'm sure as hell gonna want to put bambina pics up on the old internets!).
Friday, January 12, 2007
Girly squeals all round...
Last Friday we went for our 20 week ultrasound (at 22 weeks, of course, effing NHS). It was by far the best ultrasound I've had so far-I've had 5, unfortunately, due to unexplained bleeding. Pretty shite really, when you read about the possible risks etc, but they did at least help put my mind at rest each time I ended up in hospital crazy with worry and confusion. Anyway, this one was my first scheduled, non emergency scan and it was really really good. Firstly because seeing the little bubba is always nice, especially since I hadn't been feeling much movement, and because Mark got to have a good look and get well mushy. Secondly, they had a very good look for abnormalities because I mentioned that the high level scan in Italy had found a soft marker for Downs on the heart. Everything was normal as far as they could see, and when they realised that the marker was just a calcium deposit they were very reassuringly dismissive-apparently they are so common they don't even mention them in England, so it was very unfair of the doctors in Italy to scare me shitless for so long. And thirdly, we got to find out the sex! A little girl! Eeeeeeeeeeeee! (imagine that in a tone so high only dogs can hear). I always thought I'd have a boy, and kind of wanted a boy, but in the last few weeks I had become more and more sure it was a girl, and whenever I pictured my baby it was female. Yay, perhaps I do have women's intuition after all (err, despite not knowing I was pregnant for about 8 weeks, but we'll gloss over that...). Mark had definitely wanted a boy at first, but swears he's not disappointed, and I think he's just happy that she's OK.
Seriously though-the reaction of my girly friends at finding out the sex has almost deafened me with high pitched squealing. Bless...
Seriously though-the reaction of my girly friends at finding out the sex has almost deafened me with high pitched squealing. Bless...
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
begin at the beginning
New year, new blog, new resolutions, great big fucking new stage in my life. 2007 is going to be a very interesting year...
2006 was amazing, without doubt the most interesting, eventful, intense, unexpected and formative year of my life. I did so much, had so much fun, changed so much, and ended the year in a completely different way than I ever could have expected. I travelled loads, made some brilliant new friends, got closer to old friends, ended a long term relationship in the most amicable way possible, had a wild and ridiculously enjoyable summer of unparalleled freedom, met someone special but tried not to fall in love again, moved to Italy, discovered I was pregnant, went through some intense decision making and self reflection, got hospitalised, put on bedrest and scared out of my mind, moved back to Leeds, realised I had fallen in love again, and ended the year 5 months pregnant, happy and excited and on the brink of a whole new adventure. It has been something of a whirlwind, but even the scary, horrible bits have made me far stronger, and I truly don't regret a thing.
New Years eve was pretty good, considering. I don't think I have been sober on NYE for many many many years, and it was the first occasion since I found out I was pregnant that sobriety has really felt like a challenge. For some reason I actively encouraged my fella and best friend to get wasted so that I could entertain myself by watching them, which worked for a while but then became somewhat annoying. We counted down to midnight in the Hyde Park social, then headed to a squat party for a while. Thought I could deal with big parties even being sober and pregnant, but it was harder than anticipated. Loud bass, shaking floors, thick clouds of weed smoke and getting repeatedly rammed into made it a bit difficult and I only lasted till about 3am. But it was nice to have a little bit of a dance (with Mark protecting me by dancing in front!), see people and get repeatedly congratulated by everybody and their dog. Yeah, I'm glad I went really, it was fun in parts. And being stone cold sober at a squat party confirmed my long ago suspicions that drugs are bad, kids. Haha. Yeah, I've really ruined my life by being with child and no longer able to go out and get fucked, it's just such an attractive prospect when you see people gurning their faces off, talking utter shit and looking like they're effing possessed...anyway, I'm glad I at least got to go out for a while, cos I'm sure next NYE will be even more sedate for us!
So, resolutions. I love resolutions, new starts, lists, blank pages. Maybe I put a little too much emphasis on them, but they put me in a good mindset for sorting things out. I'm going to try to be reasonable with this year's. I know that the year will be unlike any other, and I can't set unreasonable goals when the vast majority of 2007 will be spent heavily pregnant/caring for tiny baby. So here goes:
-Learn to spin
-Sell some handmade goodies
-Generally knit and sew like a maniac, get better at both
-Eat healthily, really healthily, for pregnancy and beyond. 2 packets of Thorntons butter tablet is not just giving into a craving, it's a full on sugar binge...
-Really, really get rid of excess stuff. This is the perfect opportunity to do so (moving into a new place soonish, all crap stored at parents house at the moment and they'll be moving soon too)
-Buy nothing new, as far as possible given the circumstances.
-Study as much as I can, especially with the free time I have at the moment.
-Get organized, be more frugal, be sickeningly responsible.
-Educate myself as much as I can so that I have a good chance of having a great birth and a fulfilling first few months of motherhood.
-Keep up the progress I made with my self esteem and strength of character during 2006.
-Take more photos.
Whew, think that's enough. It's gonna be a fun year...
2006 was amazing, without doubt the most interesting, eventful, intense, unexpected and formative year of my life. I did so much, had so much fun, changed so much, and ended the year in a completely different way than I ever could have expected. I travelled loads, made some brilliant new friends, got closer to old friends, ended a long term relationship in the most amicable way possible, had a wild and ridiculously enjoyable summer of unparalleled freedom, met someone special but tried not to fall in love again, moved to Italy, discovered I was pregnant, went through some intense decision making and self reflection, got hospitalised, put on bedrest and scared out of my mind, moved back to Leeds, realised I had fallen in love again, and ended the year 5 months pregnant, happy and excited and on the brink of a whole new adventure. It has been something of a whirlwind, but even the scary, horrible bits have made me far stronger, and I truly don't regret a thing.
New Years eve was pretty good, considering. I don't think I have been sober on NYE for many many many years, and it was the first occasion since I found out I was pregnant that sobriety has really felt like a challenge. For some reason I actively encouraged my fella and best friend to get wasted so that I could entertain myself by watching them, which worked for a while but then became somewhat annoying. We counted down to midnight in the Hyde Park social, then headed to a squat party for a while. Thought I could deal with big parties even being sober and pregnant, but it was harder than anticipated. Loud bass, shaking floors, thick clouds of weed smoke and getting repeatedly rammed into made it a bit difficult and I only lasted till about 3am. But it was nice to have a little bit of a dance (with Mark protecting me by dancing in front!), see people and get repeatedly congratulated by everybody and their dog. Yeah, I'm glad I went really, it was fun in parts. And being stone cold sober at a squat party confirmed my long ago suspicions that drugs are bad, kids. Haha. Yeah, I've really ruined my life by being with child and no longer able to go out and get fucked, it's just such an attractive prospect when you see people gurning their faces off, talking utter shit and looking like they're effing possessed...anyway, I'm glad I at least got to go out for a while, cos I'm sure next NYE will be even more sedate for us!
So, resolutions. I love resolutions, new starts, lists, blank pages. Maybe I put a little too much emphasis on them, but they put me in a good mindset for sorting things out. I'm going to try to be reasonable with this year's. I know that the year will be unlike any other, and I can't set unreasonable goals when the vast majority of 2007 will be spent heavily pregnant/caring for tiny baby. So here goes:
-Learn to spin
-Sell some handmade goodies
-Generally knit and sew like a maniac, get better at both
-Eat healthily, really healthily, for pregnancy and beyond. 2 packets of Thorntons butter tablet is not just giving into a craving, it's a full on sugar binge...
-Really, really get rid of excess stuff. This is the perfect opportunity to do so (moving into a new place soonish, all crap stored at parents house at the moment and they'll be moving soon too)
-Buy nothing new, as far as possible given the circumstances.
-Study as much as I can, especially with the free time I have at the moment.
-Get organized, be more frugal, be sickeningly responsible.
-Educate myself as much as I can so that I have a good chance of having a great birth and a fulfilling first few months of motherhood.
-Keep up the progress I made with my self esteem and strength of character during 2006.
-Take more photos.
Whew, think that's enough. It's gonna be a fun year...
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