Oh lordy me, this blogging thing has somewhat fallen by the wayside again. Well, it was to be expected really as I don't exactly have much in the way of free time at the moment. Especially this week, and yet here I am writing a post....
Life is pretty good really, rather stressful but that's better than boring. I have a lot of uni work to do this week because (drum roll) one week tomorrow we are heading off to Australia! Hell yeah, Christmas on the beach, sunning ourselves in Sydney instead of watching the rain fall and freezing our tits off in Leeds. I am so excited. Ridiculously so. Yet also a little nervous and stressed, because a) it's taking almost 4 weeks out of my time to get work/dissertation especially done, and I probably could have done with those 4 weeks, b) oh god that means everything has to be finished before this Sunday if I want to avoid writing thousands of words with severe jetlag and sleep deprivation when we get back, c) shit, I really want to come back to a clean house for the new Year, so I'd better get that done this week as well, and d) 24 hours flying with a 6 month old. And baby jetlag. And baby acclimatisation to hot weather. And did I mention the 24 hours on a plane with a 6 month old? Plus layovers. Plus a train trip to London just to catch the flight.
So I'm a bit stressed to be honest, although the tantalising lure of sunshine in December is more than enough to get me over the stress. It will be a busy week though. I still haven't started my dissertation. Damn.
And, probably inevitably, the fact that I really need to devote all of my 'spare time' to academic pursuits these days has left me desperately craving to create, to craft, to knit and bake and (whisper) home make. And with no time to do any of those things. I have so many ideas but no chance to carry them out. I think mothering does definitely bring out creativity (well-there's a small person to make small clothes for, so of course it does), so it's frustrating not to be able to express it. Damn it, I can't win, I know that if I'd decided not to go back to uni and to fill my days with crafts and cooking and 'motherly' things I'd be chomping at the bit now and probably even more frustrated, but I just desperately want to make pretty things, and I can't.
Cara is great, but I think she's teething because she is crabbier than usual. She is fantastic though, and so worth any and all stress she causes. And to be honest, she doesn't cause that much stress. I love being a mum. I really didn't think I'd be able to say that. I knew I would love her, but to be honest the whole motherhood business was kind of scary. But I love it. I know I have been extraordinarily lucky in a lot of ways, and that has obviously helped. Cos I just never thought it would be this much fun, and come so naturally to a girl who hated dolls as a child and hadn't held a baby till a month before she got knocked up....
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
This whole studying and mothering thing...
...it's really, really hard. I am drowning in work. The work I'm getting done is beyond shoddy in its standard. I cannot string together an intelligent sentence in english, much less italian. My dissertation proposal was shamefully poor and I just can't even start actually working on it.
Final year is so much harder than all the others. First and second I could have managed fairly easily even with baby-I was out almost every night getting pissed, skipped most of my lectures, and still got a 2:1/first for everything. But this is very very different. It is so hard. So so hard. The 2 days that Mark has off work to take care of Cara really aren't enough, especially since I just physically can't spend every waking moment studying even on those days. And because he has those days off he has to work weekends, or else we'd starve, so I get no work done on weekends either.
There is so much work.
So much.
And today I had my IUD fitted, and then I felt awful (I am such a big wuss. Yeah I had a drug free childbirth but thats different! You're made to do that, but this is wholly unnatural). Spent the day curled up on the sofa knitting (with occasional tearful arguing-not sure where that came from). So that's one half of my non baby days wasted for the week. Fantastic.
Ah, but she's lovely.
Final year is so much harder than all the others. First and second I could have managed fairly easily even with baby-I was out almost every night getting pissed, skipped most of my lectures, and still got a 2:1/first for everything. But this is very very different. It is so hard. So so hard. The 2 days that Mark has off work to take care of Cara really aren't enough, especially since I just physically can't spend every waking moment studying even on those days. And because he has those days off he has to work weekends, or else we'd starve, so I get no work done on weekends either.
There is so much work.
So much.
And today I had my IUD fitted, and then I felt awful (I am such a big wuss. Yeah I had a drug free childbirth but thats different! You're made to do that, but this is wholly unnatural). Spent the day curled up on the sofa knitting (with occasional tearful arguing-not sure where that came from). So that's one half of my non baby days wasted for the week. Fantastic.
Ah, but she's lovely.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Books books books
I've been on a bit of an Amazon binge lately. For some reason I was overcome bythe urge to not only read lots of new books, but also own them and keep them on bookshelves for future reference, and thankfully also discovered that you can get some damn good deals from Amazon sellers (dont really understand how that works-books in brand new condition that retail for over a tenner in store sold for under a pound?? Well, I'm not complaining.
Predictably enough, almost everything I've read has been related to parenting. I've attempted to read other things in preparation for my very daunting very soon return to university, but it's the parenting books that hold my attention and don't let me put them down. Funnily enough, although I read voraciously on everything concerning pregnancy and birth, I neglected to read much concerning what comes next. This was partly deliberate, actually, as I did and still do baulk at the idea of raising children 'by the book', but I have now found that books about child rearing can be fascinating and not merely prescriptive. Our only 'manual' is Sears' Baby Book, which was very useful in the first few weeks when I got the 'don't know what I'm doing' panics, and now generally only comes out when I get paranoid about something medical (err, like the time we noticed that she had a throbbing soft spot in the middle of her head and started panicking......hehe. Still freaks me out, mind). But now we're pretty sure of what we're doing day to day I've started to want to read more and more, particularly about ideas that I've seen mentioned extensively in online communities, but originally dismissed as a bit out there.
Attachment Parenting by Katie Granju was a quick read that really just backed up most of what we've been doing instinctively. Although I appreciated the extensive research that was cited in it, I did think that it was perhaps a little dogmatic and even unkind, especially when it came to formula use (although the facts and scientific evidence about problems with formula must be put out there for all to consider, I think it can and should be done in a kinder way). I did enjoy the book, but I think if I hadn't already been doing most of what it suggests, I would perhaps have been put off the whole concept. Although I've just read the Amazon reviews, and maybe I'm way off the mark with that... Hmmm, anyway, the general concept is very good, and I do love a book with nice clear citation that points a reader to numerous other sources to back up a point. Wow, the academic in me is still alive after all!
Jean Liedloff's The Continuum Concept was far more gripping and challenging. I'd previously heard about this book only on a fairly hardcore AP message board in the context of discussions about babies being present when you're having sex and the like, and I'd kind of resolved not to agree with it. Actually, I'd resolved not to read it, because it's so much easier not to agree with something when you haven't even read it (oh, bad bad bad me for admitting that!). But when I saw it mentioned very favourably in a much more mainstream book (Imperfectly Natural Baby and Toddler by Janey Lee Grace, my 'fluffy' purchase with lots of links to places to buy ridiculously cute organic baby clothes, aaagh!), I decided to give it a go. And it was fantastic, thought provoking and inspiring. But infuriating at the same time, mostly because of how much it made sense, but how very far away we are from achieving a society that comes anywhere near the ideals laid out in the book. It's a damning indictement not just of modern day parenting, but of society in general. Sometimes I felt she leapt to conclusions somewhat, but to be honest they were common sense, and it's a return to instinct (innate common sense, perhaps?) that she is advocating. I hope I'll manage to use what this book taught me in my own child rearing, although it is damn difficult when living in this 'non continuum' society.
Today Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn arrived, and I'm already gripped. I know that this will really challenge me, and I hope that I will find it convincing. Because although in theory I would love to be a paragon of unconditional, patient, nurturing parenting, I know that in reality I can be very quick to snap, and have a profound fear of what others think of me-something I really don't want to pass on to Cara. But that flaw also means I'm terified of raising a 'brat'. I know we've still got a way to go before discipline becomes an issue, but I want to get my head sorted on this one in advance. So lets hope this helps.
I love having new books on my bookshelf. I want more. I want all my Amazon wishlist and more. Of course, from Monday, I wont have time to read for fun. Or craft, or cook, or watch TV, or sleep..... Well, I dunno, maybe it won't be that hard, but wow I'm scared about going back to uni. Final year, same workload as all my peers but with the added responsibility of A WHOLE HUMAN BEING, whilst everyone else drinks heavily and then complains about not having done their work....Yeah, I'm worried.
Predictably enough, almost everything I've read has been related to parenting. I've attempted to read other things in preparation for my very daunting very soon return to university, but it's the parenting books that hold my attention and don't let me put them down. Funnily enough, although I read voraciously on everything concerning pregnancy and birth, I neglected to read much concerning what comes next. This was partly deliberate, actually, as I did and still do baulk at the idea of raising children 'by the book', but I have now found that books about child rearing can be fascinating and not merely prescriptive. Our only 'manual' is Sears' Baby Book, which was very useful in the first few weeks when I got the 'don't know what I'm doing' panics, and now generally only comes out when I get paranoid about something medical (err, like the time we noticed that she had a throbbing soft spot in the middle of her head and started panicking......hehe. Still freaks me out, mind). But now we're pretty sure of what we're doing day to day I've started to want to read more and more, particularly about ideas that I've seen mentioned extensively in online communities, but originally dismissed as a bit out there.
Attachment Parenting by Katie Granju was a quick read that really just backed up most of what we've been doing instinctively. Although I appreciated the extensive research that was cited in it, I did think that it was perhaps a little dogmatic and even unkind, especially when it came to formula use (although the facts and scientific evidence about problems with formula must be put out there for all to consider, I think it can and should be done in a kinder way). I did enjoy the book, but I think if I hadn't already been doing most of what it suggests, I would perhaps have been put off the whole concept. Although I've just read the Amazon reviews, and maybe I'm way off the mark with that... Hmmm, anyway, the general concept is very good, and I do love a book with nice clear citation that points a reader to numerous other sources to back up a point. Wow, the academic in me is still alive after all!
Jean Liedloff's The Continuum Concept was far more gripping and challenging. I'd previously heard about this book only on a fairly hardcore AP message board in the context of discussions about babies being present when you're having sex and the like, and I'd kind of resolved not to agree with it. Actually, I'd resolved not to read it, because it's so much easier not to agree with something when you haven't even read it (oh, bad bad bad me for admitting that!). But when I saw it mentioned very favourably in a much more mainstream book (Imperfectly Natural Baby and Toddler by Janey Lee Grace, my 'fluffy' purchase with lots of links to places to buy ridiculously cute organic baby clothes, aaagh!), I decided to give it a go. And it was fantastic, thought provoking and inspiring. But infuriating at the same time, mostly because of how much it made sense, but how very far away we are from achieving a society that comes anywhere near the ideals laid out in the book. It's a damning indictement not just of modern day parenting, but of society in general. Sometimes I felt she leapt to conclusions somewhat, but to be honest they were common sense, and it's a return to instinct (innate common sense, perhaps?) that she is advocating. I hope I'll manage to use what this book taught me in my own child rearing, although it is damn difficult when living in this 'non continuum' society.
Today Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn arrived, and I'm already gripped. I know that this will really challenge me, and I hope that I will find it convincing. Because although in theory I would love to be a paragon of unconditional, patient, nurturing parenting, I know that in reality I can be very quick to snap, and have a profound fear of what others think of me-something I really don't want to pass on to Cara. But that flaw also means I'm terified of raising a 'brat'. I know we've still got a way to go before discipline becomes an issue, but I want to get my head sorted on this one in advance. So lets hope this helps.
I love having new books on my bookshelf. I want more. I want all my Amazon wishlist and more. Of course, from Monday, I wont have time to read for fun. Or craft, or cook, or watch TV, or sleep..... Well, I dunno, maybe it won't be that hard, but wow I'm scared about going back to uni. Final year, same workload as all my peers but with the added responsibility of A WHOLE HUMAN BEING, whilst everyone else drinks heavily and then complains about not having done their work....Yeah, I'm worried.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Judgement..
...is hard to avoid, when it comes to parenting. No matter how liberal, politically correct and pro-choice you are, when tiny, vulnerable little people are involved, it's hard not to feel outraged, or at least disapproving, of a lot of the things that you see.
I have to admit, I get upset and pissed off by a lot of the things I see every day here. Not that I expect everyone to be some sort of weirdo attachment parenting hippy (like some people might think I am...). But since becoming a mum myself, I've become a lot more sensitive to the fact that at least 75% of mums pushing buggies around town do so with a fag in one hand, that heavily pregnant women smoking are something I see pretty much every time I go out, that the majority of people in McDonalds during a weekday are mums with young kids, feeding 1 year olds Big Macs, that it's exteremely rare to see a mother even bottle nursing her baby-no matter how young, bottles are almost always propped up in the pram-and as for breastfeeding, well, I've never seen a single woman in this city do it, and when Mark mentioned the fact that I'm breastfeeding to the women he works with (almost all with their own kids), it was met with wrinkled up noses and a resounding 'eww, thats not for me...' I try to keep telling myself that everyone has a reason for the things they do, that maybe smoking is the only release they get in a stressful, difficult day, that maybe people did want to breastfeed and couldn't, that maybe the McDonalds is just a one off treat...but what really gets to me is that it's just the norm. In this area, or at least the more deprived parts of it (where I happen to live) most people with babies smoke, most women drink and smoke during pregnancy, most women never even attempt to breastfeed.... And I, judgementally, think it's pretty sad. Because I just can't find it in me to see how someone can smoke, when they must know it's endangering their unborn, or born, child. Because, honestly, it blows my mind that so, so many women can choose not to feed their baby what they must know is nutritionally far superior to anything else available (although I didn't realise until recently that people do still actually believe that formula is just as good, so that shows what I know). Because, to me, the idea of feeding a BigMac to a baby sends shivers down my spine.
But then I think how easy it would be for others to judge me-for having a baby without being financially stable, with a man I didn't know at all well when I got knocked up, for taking said baby to festivals and squats, for the glass of wine I had last night (and didn't finish, and managed to knock on the floor whilst writing this-it splashed all over her Moses Basket stand-how's that for terrible parenting), for having silly hair.... And it makes me paranoid, and confused, and very unsure. It's a fucking minefield, this whole parenting thing. Because the lines between every woman's right to choose what to do with their body, and their right to choose how they raise their children, and the rights of children to the best possible shot at good health seem pretty blurred. I know that the best thing to do is just worry about my baby, and assume that everyone else has a very good reason for the things they do-but it's easier said than done, to be honest. Still, if I'm going to keep my sanity and make friends with other mums around here, I'm going to have to learn to save my 'righteous anger' not for people who make different choices to me, but for a society that makes things fucking difficult for women all round.
I have to admit, I get upset and pissed off by a lot of the things I see every day here. Not that I expect everyone to be some sort of weirdo attachment parenting hippy (like some people might think I am...). But since becoming a mum myself, I've become a lot more sensitive to the fact that at least 75% of mums pushing buggies around town do so with a fag in one hand, that heavily pregnant women smoking are something I see pretty much every time I go out, that the majority of people in McDonalds during a weekday are mums with young kids, feeding 1 year olds Big Macs, that it's exteremely rare to see a mother even bottle nursing her baby-no matter how young, bottles are almost always propped up in the pram-and as for breastfeeding, well, I've never seen a single woman in this city do it, and when Mark mentioned the fact that I'm breastfeeding to the women he works with (almost all with their own kids), it was met with wrinkled up noses and a resounding 'eww, thats not for me...' I try to keep telling myself that everyone has a reason for the things they do, that maybe smoking is the only release they get in a stressful, difficult day, that maybe people did want to breastfeed and couldn't, that maybe the McDonalds is just a one off treat...but what really gets to me is that it's just the norm. In this area, or at least the more deprived parts of it (where I happen to live) most people with babies smoke, most women drink and smoke during pregnancy, most women never even attempt to breastfeed.... And I, judgementally, think it's pretty sad. Because I just can't find it in me to see how someone can smoke, when they must know it's endangering their unborn, or born, child. Because, honestly, it blows my mind that so, so many women can choose not to feed their baby what they must know is nutritionally far superior to anything else available (although I didn't realise until recently that people do still actually believe that formula is just as good, so that shows what I know). Because, to me, the idea of feeding a BigMac to a baby sends shivers down my spine.
But then I think how easy it would be for others to judge me-for having a baby without being financially stable, with a man I didn't know at all well when I got knocked up, for taking said baby to festivals and squats, for the glass of wine I had last night (and didn't finish, and managed to knock on the floor whilst writing this-it splashed all over her Moses Basket stand-how's that for terrible parenting), for having silly hair.... And it makes me paranoid, and confused, and very unsure. It's a fucking minefield, this whole parenting thing. Because the lines between every woman's right to choose what to do with their body, and their right to choose how they raise their children, and the rights of children to the best possible shot at good health seem pretty blurred. I know that the best thing to do is just worry about my baby, and assume that everyone else has a very good reason for the things they do-but it's easier said than done, to be honest. Still, if I'm going to keep my sanity and make friends with other mums around here, I'm going to have to learn to save my 'righteous anger' not for people who make different choices to me, but for a society that makes things fucking difficult for women all round.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Washout...
This summer is the definition of the word washout, and unfortunately the majority of summer events that we look forward to all year have been blighted by the torrential, almost continual, rain. I hate it so much, and we're not even in one of the many badly flooded areas. We have running water and electricity, all of our belongings are safe and dry and we live ont he top of a hill, so I shouldn't even be complaining, but it's just so shitty, waiting 8 months for summer and it simply not coming.
This weekend we went to the Moor Music Festival in Ilkley. Taking a 6 week old to a festival for 3 days was surprisingly easy, in some ways. We desperately wanted to go, because it's where we met-one year ago. Returning 12 months later with our baby was just such a brilliant, circular thing, and what a perfect anniversary celebration! Seriously, whudda thunk that our pilled up drunken tent frolicks last year would lead to a life of such domesticity, parenthood and real love and friendship. Not me, that's for sure, I was determined to make it just a 2 night stand............
But we went back with our baby, and we all had lots of fun, despite the fact that it rained for pretty much the entire time, and the mud was deep and sticky and everywhere. It was a very very different experience from last time-the weather, the lack of drugs and the minimal amount of alcohol, retiring to the tent at midnight, and basically being Mr and Mrs Responsible, but we did have fun, and I realised that, no, things are never going to be the same, but I can enjoy bits of my old life in a moderate, altered form, and it will still be good. Although I did get really upset on the last night when we left a fast asleep Cara with Hayley (who I totally trust with her) outside a tent for 10 minutes so we could have a dance together to some filthy dubstep, and some random lady came up to me wagging her finger asking where my baby was...and I became paranoid that everyone thought I was a terrible mother and sat outside crying for the rest of the evening....
Anyway, Cara seemed to thoroughly enjoy the experience, slept through most of it, and got ridiculous amounts of attention from everyone there. We bought some baby ear defenders for her, which are hilariously large and unbelievably cute, and meant that she became the youngest person ever to be dancing to High Pressure Soundsystem (in the sling, of course, she can't quite dance yet!). I didn't take the digicam cos I'm too paranoid about losing it, but I took a few photos on film that I'll get developed and put on CD soon-little baby in front of big sound system is very very cute.
I wonder if one day she'll just be embarassed by her childhood of festivals and dubstep and hip hop and sad old person music.....
This weekend we went to the Moor Music Festival in Ilkley. Taking a 6 week old to a festival for 3 days was surprisingly easy, in some ways. We desperately wanted to go, because it's where we met-one year ago. Returning 12 months later with our baby was just such a brilliant, circular thing, and what a perfect anniversary celebration! Seriously, whudda thunk that our pilled up drunken tent frolicks last year would lead to a life of such domesticity, parenthood and real love and friendship. Not me, that's for sure, I was determined to make it just a 2 night stand............
But we went back with our baby, and we all had lots of fun, despite the fact that it rained for pretty much the entire time, and the mud was deep and sticky and everywhere. It was a very very different experience from last time-the weather, the lack of drugs and the minimal amount of alcohol, retiring to the tent at midnight, and basically being Mr and Mrs Responsible, but we did have fun, and I realised that, no, things are never going to be the same, but I can enjoy bits of my old life in a moderate, altered form, and it will still be good. Although I did get really upset on the last night when we left a fast asleep Cara with Hayley (who I totally trust with her) outside a tent for 10 minutes so we could have a dance together to some filthy dubstep, and some random lady came up to me wagging her finger asking where my baby was...and I became paranoid that everyone thought I was a terrible mother and sat outside crying for the rest of the evening....
Anyway, Cara seemed to thoroughly enjoy the experience, slept through most of it, and got ridiculous amounts of attention from everyone there. We bought some baby ear defenders for her, which are hilariously large and unbelievably cute, and meant that she became the youngest person ever to be dancing to High Pressure Soundsystem (in the sling, of course, she can't quite dance yet!). I didn't take the digicam cos I'm too paranoid about losing it, but I took a few photos on film that I'll get developed and put on CD soon-little baby in front of big sound system is very very cute.
I wonder if one day she'll just be embarassed by her childhood of festivals and dubstep and hip hop and sad old person music.....
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Happy Birfday to me...
I turned 22 on Saturday. I had a much better day than expected. Went for a meal with a few good friends,
Sat in the rare bit of sunshine in Meanwood Park and chilled for a while,
(I love this photo, there's something very special about 'bad boys' and babies... not that any of them are actually remotely bad boyish in reality)We wandered in the woods, clear, lush and glistening from the recent floods. Liam educated us all about local history, and the dogs ran around madly. Cara slept happily in my purdy new mei tei whilst we walked.
And Mark, Cara and I ended the day with a chip butty and a bottle of beer in Hyde Park's evening sun. One beer between the two of us, how things have changed.......
21 was my most tumultuous year yet. 22 is going to be calmer in a lot of ways, but full of new things. lets see.
Friday, July 13, 2007
I love her so much it makes me want to cry
I've only really hit that stage in the last few days. I was scared that it was taking so long. But now my heart truly melts when I look at her.The smiles help too...
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